Cyrus The (Not So) Great!

Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, unleashes his hilarious take on Maharashtra Politics (we saw that coming!) in our monthly column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great!’

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In his epic, award winning novel, Zubin Gimmy has spent 77 pages on the subject. The book, of course is known to every single Parsee. I mean, who has not read, ‘Mastak Maa Beemari’. Zubin himself didn’t. And that explained the 64 spelling mistakes. Credit to Zubin though, as he dealt with all the painful subjects many Parsis avoid, such as… Acne; How not to interfere with other people’s parallel parking; and What’s gone wrong with Manchester United?

However, it’s his desire to tackle the largest elephant in the room, that must be appreciated. In fact, I implore all Parsis reading this article to stand-up and clap. As for Non-Parsis reading this article, I request you to just stand up, and please hand over the article to the closest Non-Parsi! We are talking of course about the Parsi Factory. That is, how do we increase the population. I want to just reflect on Zubin Gimmy’s options as laid out in his book…

  • THE TIME: Zubin, on paragraph 4 of page 79, tells us about something most people think, is just a magazine. ‘Time’ is a very important aspect in many breeding programs. Zebras, for example always mate at 11:30 am, in the morning. However, since Parsis are not Zebras, this time may not suit them. Zubin’s much belabored point is that if we can ‘crack’ this convenient time issue, half the battle is won! And by half the battle, he meant you also need a partner. Correct time without partner, will mean no significant change in your social life. So, what is the most suitable time? Zubin invited himself to many households and watched couples at work, and was able to come up with an algorithm, which put out 6:27 as the ideal time for carnal activity. However, there is a little lack of clarity on whether he meant it for our tribe or the zebras.
  • THE MOOD: Zubin Gimmy was super convinced that the mood was an optimum catalyst in getting the breeding programs to take off. Music, normally, was the go-to option. However, Parsis having very sophisticated and discerning ears, this actually proved to be a challenge in itself! He further explained… if an ordinary person got into the mood by listening to the aria – ‘Il Mio Tesoro’ in Don Giovanni, then the Parsi would be affected only by a superior version of the same, that is the same aria, sung by Bjorling, Miguel Fleta, or Enrico Caruso himself. These key, detail elements, would play the biggest role in swaying the mood. Also, there was the slight challenge of when the aria ends, does the moment end? Which translates into just 4 minutes to achieve ‘Nirvana’ or more, if you get my drift?

 

  • PERFORMANCE: However, even with the right time, willing partner, correct mood and ambience, how can one ensure that the performance will translate into producing any progeny? Zubin Gimmy provides the answer to this… the Nutrition and Air-conditioning. In fact, when the ‘carnal conquests’, were conducted in air-conditioned rooms, chance of offsprings being manufactured went up by 23%! More important than air-conditioning, of course, was the diet. And it is with great trepidation that I dare approach this topic… The reason for that is that Zubin’s findings are literally, no pun intended, difficult to digest. Zubin Gimmy was convinced that a diet of roughly 40% greens and veggies, gave a 72% better chance of delivering offsprings, even if all other conditions were favourable. And by 40%, he specified, it did not mean having an extra spoon of ‘kachumber’, with one’s ‘Jerdaloo Patio’. It meant a significant march toward greenness. A large shift in diet considerations. He gave written proof of all the large families, the Ginwallas, the Mistry’s, the Agas, all of whom had courageously made the shift to go green.

I truly feel we can all learn from Aapro Zubin – a man who felt so passionately about his community. Sadly, his life was cut short, too soon. In only his 77th year, Zubin Gimmy was run over while taking awfully long to pass a Zebra crossing! He had just stepped out to buy his weekly ration of vegetables. He never even heard the car horn, as he had his air-pods on. The aria playing at the time of his demise? ‘IL Mio Tesoro’ by Jussi Bjorling.

Cyrus Broacha

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