– Sohrab Irani –

The Parsi New Year is just around the corner – the sweet scent of sandalwood, sev-dahi for breakfast and ‘Navroz Mubarak’ WhatsApp forwards will come at you faster than Najamai-na-bhona tiffin services! Yes, it’s that time again when every bawa and bawi suddenly decides to ‘turn over a new leaf’… only to realise that the leaf is dipped in lagan-nu-achar and best served with salli-chicken!

Welcome to the great Parsi tradition of eating till your belt-buckle explodes with the ferocity of a suicide-bomber, followed by the guilt of self-promised and publicly declared New Year Resolutions! And like everything else we do, our resolutions too come with drama, exaggeration and plenty of food breaks! Here’s a sneak peek into the top ten resolutions of our average Bawa-brigade:

1. “I will go on a diet… after Navroze, of course!”

Every bawa has uttered these immortal words while polishing off his fourth helping of mutton pulao-dar. Sursuryo-Soli, the colony’s unbeaten karkariya-eating champ, who is on his fifth ‘Monday diet’ since April, says, “I swear I’ll start this Tuesday. No, no. Next Tuesday. This Tuesday there will be lagan-na-leftovers!” Meanwhile, his cousin, Freny, has already ordered two bottles of apple cider vinegar and one elliptical machine that now doubles up as a clothes hanger for her sarees. Progress!

2. “I’ll go for a walk daily… from the bedroom to the fridge to the balcony.”

Bawa fitness goals are legendary. Self-proclaimed marathoner, Tehmasp uncle, has proudly completed 2,500 steps in one day – 500 to the fridge and 2,000 arguing with his neighbour about the baug-dog pooping near his 1935 Fiat. Then there’s Jabri Jeroo, who’s bought a Fitbit but gets more exercise trying to figure out how to charge it: “This watch no show time only! Waste of money!” she cribs, while reaching for the butter-chaklis.

3. “I’ll spend less money this year… unless RTI is having that 50% sale again.”

Parsis and paisa are a love story written in heaven and signed by the bank manager. Every New Year, there’s a solemn vow to “cut down expenses,” but somehow Minoo Maasa still ends up at Ratan Tata Institute every Saturday, because “Today they had new tikkha Patrel – limited edition!” Fafarto-Firdos even tried tracking his expenses… till his calculator passed out from exhaustion.

4. “I’ll be less nosy about other people’s business.”

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Moving on….

5. “I’ll clean my assal-ni (olden-times) cupboard and throw away old stuff…”

Another crowd favourite. Every year, half the colony resolves to clean their bapaiji-ni-teakwood-ni-cupboard, only to discover vintage Bournvita tins from 1977, three unworn gara-sarees still wrapped in plastic, and the two broken halves of that Chinese vase that mysteriously vanished during the Emergency. And of course, after three hours of cleaning, Rarti-Rati takes a well-deserved break with Pallonji’s raspberry-soda and says “chuck it!” and shoves it all back in!

6. “I’ll say fewer gaars (expletives).”

This one’s usually attempted by the more spiritually inclined ones like Kakalto Kerman who’s recently started online chanting: “Om Shanti Shanti! Arrey saalo annaari! Idiot jevo bikewalo cut the bloody signal again!!” Baby steps… Dinshaw Uncle has also been trying to reduce the abuses but he can’t help it when the god-forsaken App on his iPad keeps crashing! His resolution tracker now reads: Day 1 – Failed. Day 2 – Almost failed. Day 3 – GONE TO HELL!

7. “I’ll learn new things.”

Every year, some brave bawas attempt to move beyond WhatsApp and learn things like yoga, prompt engineering or how to pronounce ‘quinoa’. Last year, Percy Bhicaji enrolled for French classes and now promptly says, “merci” to the RTI aunty who hands him masoor and cutlets. Meanwhile, younger bawas are trying to learn secret family recipes. Unfortunately, this leads to emergency calls to Mamaiji with questions like: “Is this lagan-nu-custard supposed to smell like Ambi Pur?”

8. “I’ll attend all family functions… and try not to fight with Gelsappo Gev.”

Ah yes, the resolution of reconciliation. Because nothing screams ‘family bonding’ like a good ol’ verbal free-for-all at the dining table! In fact, this year, Bapsy Aunty has promised to ‘not mention Roxy’s second failed marriage during lunch’, while Roxy has promised ‘not to roll her eyes at Bapsy’s chicken farcha’. Let’s see how long that lasts.

9. “I’ll pray more often… and not just when I’m flying Air India… or IndiGo.”

We do love our sacred spaces – from the local Agiary to the Udvada road trip. But come New Year, everyone vows to increase their prayer quota. “I’ll go to the Atash Behram every week,” assures Dara Uncle while googling parking options and tracking if Britannia’s berry pulao is on the way. Meanwhile, little Arzan has promised to chant Ashem Vohu 3 times before asking for a new PlayStation.

10. “I’ll be modern but keep our traditions alive.”

This is the most touching resolution of all… Whether it’s teaching kids to speak in Parsi lingo or ensuring they wear the sudreh-kasti with their GAP hoodie, every bawa deep down wants the legacy to live on. Gulshan granny now teaches her grandchildren to play ‘tuj-khalloo’ with Monopoly money and ensures they say ‘Yazdaan Panaah Baad’ before every Zoom class!

So, as we roll into another glorious year of aapru Parsipanu, let’s raise a glass of raspberry soda and toast to our resolutions – whether we keep them, break them, or conveniently forget them by Ava Roj! Because, as every wise bawa knows: “Resolution toh banaavya, pan saaru nai laage to tori sakaye!” Navroz Mubarak, now pass the patra-ni-macchi, please!