– Understanding When Holding On Hurts More Than Letting Go –

We’ve all been there… replaying a heated argument with a family member during a festival gathering, nursing the pain of a friend’s betrayal, or carrying the weight of old wounds that refuse to heal. Countless individuals have struggled with a question that’s deeply personal and culturally loaded: Should I forgive? The answer, as with most things in psychology, is beautifully complex – especially in our context where family ties, social expectations and cultural values add layers of meaning to forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is – And What It Isn’t…

Let’s clear a common misconception: forgiveness does not mean enduring abuse, tolerating disrespect or keeping the family WhatsApp group cordial at the cost of your mental health. True forgiveness is the internal act of loosening resentment’s grip on your emotional life. It’s not for others, it’s for yourself. It’s about not forgetting or excusing. And it certainly isn’t re-entering toxic dynamics out of duty.

You can forgive and still say no. You can forgive your mother-in-law and still set firm boundaries around her interference. You can forgive a sibling and limit contact. You can forgive a father’s harshness and still hold him accountable for the emotional legacy he left behind. Modern research shows that chronic resentment raises cortisol levels, suppresses immunity and keeps the body in a low-grade stress state. For communities like ours, where lifestyle diseases like hypertension and diabetes are already high, the emotional weight of unforgiveness carries a physical cost we can’t afford to ignore.

When Forgiveness is Healthy

How do you know your forgiveness is real and not a performance shaped by family duty? Start by noticing its effect on you. Genuine forgiveness reduces emotional weight without compromising your dignity. One woman shared that after years of tension with her sister, she could finally celebrate Navroz without anxiety.

It also shows up in the body. If you can attend family gatherings without slipping into fight or flight mode, healing is underway. Forgiveness creates emotional space. A father realised his unresolved anger about parental favouritism was shaping his own parenting. Letting go allowed warmth to replace overcompensation.

Most importantly, healthy forgiveness is a choice made freely. It unfolds on your timeline, guided by readiness rather than pressure or fear of social judgment. Healthy forgiveness happens on your timeline, not your mother’s, your spouse’s, or society’s.

When It’s Healthy Not to Forgive

Yes, there are times when withholding forgiveness is the healthiest choice, at least for the present. Forgiveness becomes harmful when it enables repeated damage. I once worked with a Parsi couple pressured to forgive their adult son after multiple thefts linked to gambling. Family members insisted he be welcomed back without conditions. Doing so would have exposed them to further loss. Accountability had to precede reconciliation.

It is also unhealthy when emotional abuse is dismissed as personality. Phrases like “that’s just how he is” often excuse patterns of humiliation or control. A daughter-in-law is not obliged to accept constant belittling. A son does not have to excuse verbal abuse because his father provided financially.

Fresh wounds need time. Many families push for quick peace before festivals or gatherings. Forgiveness rushed under social pressure prevents real processing. Emotional repair requires reflection. For many women, anger is discouraged. They are taught to adjust and remain silent. Yet suppressed anger does not disappear. It shapes behaviour, relationships and self-worth. Honouring that anger is often the first step toward healing.

Finally, safety matters. Where there is ongoing violence, exploitation or manipulation, distance is protective. Choosing space is not cruelty. It is self-preservation.

How Forgiveness Works

Forgiveness isn’t a switch. It’s a slow, often non-linear process. Here’s what it tends to look like in therapy:

Acknowledgement: Naming what happened and how it impacted you. Not brushing it under “at least” narratives: At least they paid for your wedding; At least you had a roof over your head. Gratitude and grief can coexist.

Feeling without shame: Our culture often avoids emotional discomfort. “Don’t cry at home.” “Be happy: it’s a wedding.” But unprocessed pain doesn’t vanish, it gets buried, only to erupt later.

Understanding context but not excusing it: Recognizing that your father’s strictness came from fear doesn’t mean you excuse his emotional absence. That your mother-in-law was once a victim herself doesn’t mean you accept her treatment.

Redefining forgiveness on your terms: For some, forgiveness means reconciliation. For others, it’s internal peace without closeness. For still others, it’s quiet presence at family events with emotional detachment.

Practicing it over time: Some days, you feel free. Other days, anger resurfaces, especially around anniversaries, festivals or family events. That’s not failure. That’s the work.

The Overlooked Layer: Forgiving Ourselves – Often, we judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else. A Parsi doctor once shared that he chose medicine out of duty, not desire. In midlife, he felt trapped, resentful, and ashamed for believing he had wasted years. Self forgiveness required accepting that he made the best decision possible under pressure. It also meant mourning unlived dreams and discovering purpose in his present reality. For many women, it involves releasing guilt over survival choices made in difficult circumstances.

Many Indian spiritual traditions offer layered perspectives on forgiveness. Zoroastrian teachings of Asha and Humata, Hukhta, Hvarshta stress alignment with truth and righteousness, not tolerance of druj. Hindu karma urges release of revenge and trust in justice. Buddhist metta cultivates compassion. Jain kshama values forgiveness without passivity. Islamic and Christian faiths balance mercy with accountability. Let these principles guide you, never pressure you.

Forgiveness is not mandatory. It’s a tool. Some days you use it to free yourself. Other days you set it down. You can still live fully without having ” resolved ” every conflict.

Ask yourself: Is holding on to this resentment protecting me or punishing me?
Am I maintaining a healthy boundary or building a prison?
What might become possible if I let go – on my terms?

Forgiveness, when chosen freely, can be powerful. But your wellbeing, not tradition, not guilt, not ‘log kyakahenge’ should always come first!