– Behram Bharucha –

Let’s be honest, folks! This world would be far more efficient were it run by our dynamic Bawis! Slightly louder, definitely more opinionated (read judgmental), generously fed and usually operating on a timetable that revolves around tea, but efficient nevertheless.

Imagine the United Nations chaired by Binaifer Buchwala from Dadar Parsi Colony… no sooner would two countries begin fighting that she would slam her stainless-steel karchho (ladle) on the table and declare, “Bas! Enough now! Have some dhansak and settle the matter like civilised people.” Within minutes, rival leaders would be sitting in a corner, eating Sali-boti and apologising to each other under supervision.

If Bawis ran the world, punctuality would improve dramatically. No event would ever start late because aapri Perin Aunty would have already reached the venue one hour early, rearranged the chairs, scolded the caterer, and instructed the dasturji how to chant properly. Efficiency would be measured by how fast the samosas disappear.

The global economy would also stabilise – see, Bawis understand budgeting like no economist from Harvard ever could. Kerzin Contractor of Kemps Corner can stretch one kilo mutton into a feast for twelve, save every Pariku (cash-gift) envelope for future emergencies, and still donate to three charities. Under Bawi leadership, inflation would be reduced because everyone would be instructed to “buy in bulk when it’s cheap, dikra!”

Fashion would finally make sense. Heels would be officially outlawed at community functions after 8:00 pm because no one needs an ankle fracture after the third round of Raspberry soda. Gara-wali saris would receive UNESCO heritage status. Torn jeans would be immediately seized like forensic evidence, repaired to restore family honour, and replaced with something that does not look like you escaped a minor tiger attack.

Hair must be properly blow-dried and disciplined, none of that bhutra-jeva frizzy nonsense where it felt like you mistakenly stuck your finger in a live socket. And stepping out looking domestically detonated would trigger swift intervention from the nearest supervising aunty, armed with a comb in one hand, coconut oil in the other… and opinions sharp enough to restyle your entire personality.

Healthcare would transform overnight! Bawis possess medical knowledge passed down from ancestors and chemists. Stomach pain? Ajma water (and a lecture on overeating). Cough and cold? Steam inhalation (and a warning about keeping the a/c on all night); Headache? Tiger Balm applied with alarming enthusiasm. Low blood pressure? Eat something with salt. High blood pressure? Stop arguing and lie down. Insomnia? Warm milk (and moral advice). Minor injuries? Turmeric milk, bandage and commentary on carelessness. Every ailment is addressed with equal parts remedy and reprimand.

If Bawis handled international diplomacy, there would be no war without first discussing whose grandmother started it. Old grievances would be unearthed with forensic precision. “In 1987 you did not invite us for grandchild’s navjote. We have not forgotten.” Conflict resolution would involve minutes, tea refills and mild character assassination, followed by reconciliation.

Education policy would emphasise two compulsory subjects: Moral Science and proper pronunciation of Parsi names. No child would graduate without knowing family history up to five generations and Agiary-etiquette. Technology would evolve rapidly, in directions Silicon Valley never anticipated. Passwords would be written carefully inside old diaries labelled ‘Very Important Do Not Touch’. Every video call would begin with ten minutes of “Can you hear me?” followed by someone’s forehead filling the screen for another five. Google and ChatGPT would be consulted, then overruled by a trusted cousin in Canada. And any child attempting to explain new apps would be told, “I know, I know,” while the phone is held upside down. Innovation would thrive, but only after proper supervision, suspicion and a backup printed copy.

Climate change would be addressed swiftly because no Bawi tolerates waste. Leftover food must be reused creatively. Electricity must be switched off. Plastic bags are to be folded and stored inside a bigger plastic bag. Sustainability has been practised in Parsi kitchens long before global summits discovered it.

As for leadership style, a Bawi ruler would be affectionate yet formidable. She will feed you till you cannot move, then critique your life decisions with surgical accuracy. “Why are you still single? Career is fine, but companionship is also necessary.” Interrogations would be conducted with love, logic, and zero escape routes.

At the same time, our Bawi matriarchs carry fierce loyalty. Touch one of their own and you will witness a level of defence that would put entire armies to shame! Bawis have preserved institutions, charities, baugs and reputations with a combination of persistence and polite intimidation.

Behind the humour lies truth. Parsi women have steered families through migration, economic shifts and demographic anxiety. They have balanced tradition with adaptability, ensuring the continuity of all old prayer rituals while ensuring daughters receive education equal to sons. The world may laugh at their volume, but it benefits from their vision.

If Bawis ran the world, compassion would have structure. Generosity would have discipline. Meals would be plentiful. Arguments would be dramatic yet brief. Every crisis meeting would end with kulfi from Parsi Dairy Farm! Perhaps the real question is not what would happen if Bawis ran the world. In many quiet ways, they already do. They run homes, charities, businesses and conversations. They correct grammar, adjust moral compasses, and keep the fire burning.

On Women’s Day, let’s acknowledge that the sharp tongue often hides a sharper mind, and the overflowing tapeli (casserole) reflects a generous heart. The world may operate on policy papers and press conferences, but it survives on the resilience of women who refuse to let standards slip. If Bawis truly took charge, chaos would reduce, choi-consumption would rise, and every global summit would end with someone saying, “Ok – bou thai gayu – enough drama. Come let’s eat.” And honestly, that might be exactly what the world needs today! Happy Women’s Day!