Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, is back to trigger unlimited giggles and guffaws, with yet another rib-tickling Bawa exposé, in our exclusive column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great!’

Jai Hind – Navroz Mubarak! We have been requested to put the, ‘Jai Hind’, in there as well. Unless of course, you are a Parsi living in Canada or Australia. And if that is the case, please put a ‘Jai Canada’ or ‘Jai Australia’, with the Navroz Mubarak greeting.

At a time like this, we need the soothing voice of one of the greatest Parsi voices of all time: ‘Faredoon, Farrokh, Furniturewala’ or as he’s called in gymnastic circles, (as a young man, he won the all Parsee Balancing Beam Competition), ‘Triple F’. Today, ‘Triple F’ is in his sixties and lives at home with his mom, Farida, who claims mistakenly to be in her 50’s, along with their pet Boxer pooch named, ‘Fu Manchu’.

Actually, I apologise for giving you all this unnecessary information. It’s just that ‘Triple F’ needs to be heard. His is a wise old head, on an even older body. Bear in mind, ‘Triple F’ has written two award-winning books. The first one was a biography of B. Dinshaw and Co. – the world-famous Ophthalmologist family. However, the second print of this was cancelled as ‘Triple F’ used sketches, instead of photographs of the family, in that edition, to save money.

The second book is called, from ‘Navroz to Navroz’. It is from here that we must quote, the great Triple F… To begin with, the Triple F clarifies that the title is not about being from this Navroz till the next Navroz. It actually talks about from one Navroz to the second Navroz. The second Navroz is not the repeat of first Navroz, but indeed a second Navroz. The second Navroz gets repeated, after the first Navroz get repeated. To avoid further confusion, one Navroz is called Jamshedi Navroz. The other Navroz, which is not a repeat of the first Navroz, is called, Parsi New Year.

So, technically, Parsis have two Navrozes so this is why a few Parsis celebrate 2 birthdays per year. And this also explains why Sarosh Dadachanji retired at 29 instead of 58!

But coming back to Triple F, he also recommends, for the more inclined, that they lay their table with the, ‘Magnificent 7’. These are candles, wine, nectar, syrup, sweets, boxwood, anemones or branches. In the old days, these were difficult to come by, however, Triple F, urges you to use Blinkit or Swiggy. And, add the coupon code, ‘Triple F, Navroz to Navroz’ to avail of 33% discount. Amazingly, Triple F wrote this book 44 years ago, well before the birth of either coupon codes, or Blinkit. So great was his vision and philosophy!!

Finally, Triple F urges Parsees to write a letter to Prez. Trump and Bibi Netanyahu asking them to kindly stop bombarding the mainland at least between One Navroz, and the next Navroz, which is not a repeat of the first Navroz, but indeed a second Navroz which has no connection with the first Navroz. Again, just so you all know the greatness of our Triple F – he actually predicted this war 44 years ago, in between Navrozes.

But the wisdom of Triple F does not end there. According to his unpublished third manuscript – which was rejected by 14 publishers and one very patient Xeroxwala – the true Parsi approach to world peace lies in what he calls the ‘Dhansak Doctrine’.

The Dhansak Doctrine is very simple. Triple F insists that no global conflict can survive beyond three rounds of dhansak served with brown rice, kachumbar and a slightly judgmental aunty supervising the portion control. “No man,” he writes, “can fire a missile after eating proper dhansak. At most he will fire a loud burp and take a nap.”

And then there is Triple F’s famous Three-Step Global Peace Plan:
Step One: Feed everyone.
Step Two: Ask them why they are fighting in the first place.
Step Three: Interrupt them halfway and say, “Arrey dikra, this is all nonsense. Have custard.”

Of course, critics have questioned Triple F’s credentials. After all, his only formal qualification is a certificate in Advanced Balancing Beam from the All Parsee Gymkhana Sports Festival, 1973. But supporters argue that balancing on a beam is excellent training for geopolitics.

And so, dear readers, as we celebrate Jamshedi Navroz, let us remember the immortal wisdom of Triple F: ‘Eat well – Argue loudly – Forgive quickly’.

Wishing all our readers Jamshedi Navroz Mubarak…… erm for the first Navroz!