We are taught- subtly and persistently, that every story must have an ending. A conversation that explains everything. An apology that brings relief. A moment of clarity that neatly ties together confusion, hurt and longing. We call this closure. And we chase it as if it is the only way to move on. But what if closure, as we imagine it, is often a psychological illusion?
The Promise of Closure
Closure is comforting because it offers certainty. It suggests that if we just understand why something happened – why a relationship ended, why someone behaved the way they did, why things didn’t work out we will finally feel at peace. Closure creates the narrative: Once I have answers, I will be okay.
But in practice, closure rarely arrives in the form we expect. Conversations remain incomplete. People leave without explanations. Apologies, when they come, often fall short of what we needed. And even when we do get answers, they don’t always resolve the emotional residue. Because the human mind doesn’t just seek facts, it seeks meaning. And meaning is rarely handed to us neatly.
Why We Struggle Without Answers
Uncertainty is inherently uncomfortable. From a psychological standpoint, the brain is wired to prefer predictability, it reduces perceived threat. When something ends abruptly or ambiguously, it creates what psychologists call an ‘Open Loop’. The mind keeps returning to it, trying to fill in the gaps: What did I miss? Could I have done something differently? What were they really thinking? This rumination gives the illusion of control. We feel if we can just think about it enough, perhaps we can arrive at an answer that soothes us! But often, the search itself becomes the source of distress.
The Reality: Closure Is Often Externalised
We tend to place closure in someone else’s hands. We wait for the message that explains everything or the conversation that validates our experience or the acknowledgement that makes the pain feel justified. But this creates a fragile dependency because it assumes that healing requires cooperation from the very person or situation that caused the hurt. And that cooperation is not always available.
What Actually Helps Us Move On
Moving on is less about receiving answers and more about developing tolerance for not having them This is not resignation. It is psychological flexibility. Adopting the following mindsets helps in truly moving on:
Shift from “Why?” to “What Now?”: The question “why did this happen?” often has no satisfying answer. But “what do I do with this experience?” is far more actionable.
Accept Incomplete Narratives: Not every story will make perfect sense. Some chapters will remain unclear but that doesn’t make your experience less valid.
Reclaim Agency: Closure is not something that happens to you. It is something you gradually construct, through meaning-making, self-reflection and emotional processing.
Allow Emotional Residue: Even without answers, emotions can be processed. You can grieve, feel anger, feel disappointment without needing a complete explanation.
The Discomfort of Letting Go Without Closure And The Way Ahead
Letting go without closure can feel deeply unsettling. There is a part of us that resists it, that believes: If I let go without understanding, it means it didn’t matter enough. But letting go is not about minimising the significance of what happened. It is about recognising that your peace cannot remain contingent on information you may never receive.
Closure is not a single moment of clarity, but a gradual shift… From needing answers to accepting uncertainty; from waiting for resolution to creating your own meaning; and from revisiting the past to re-engaging with the present. It is quieter than we expect. Less dramatic. But often more sustainable.
Not all questions will be answered. Not all endings will be explained. Not all people will offer the understanding you hoped for. And yet, it’s possible to move forward, not because everything makes sense, but because you have decided not to stay stuck in what doesn’t. Closure, then, is not something you find. It is something you stop waiting for.
[Psychologist Mehezabin Dordi practices at Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, provides effective therapeutic interventions for psychological and psychiatric concerns. Having counselled over 2,500 patients and caregivers, she also conducts trainings and webinars. Connect: dordi.mehezabin@gmail.com]
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