Cyrus The (Not So) Great!

Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Maharaja of Masti, is back to tickle your funny bone! This time, he’s diving headlong into the most bizarre (yet oddly believable) theory – could Donald Trump secretly be a Bawaji? Fasten your seatbelts for a rollercoaster of laughs, lunacy and legendary Parsi humor, in our exclusive column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great!’

Yesterday, my friend Armin fell off her bike. Let me just clarify, Armin was on a stationary bike in the gym. But at 83, these things happen. To be fair, her goal was just to get on it, not actually pedal at all. I bring up Armin because she is a prominent historian who also makes a pretty good Chicken Farcha. Critics would say too little chicken, too much farcha. However, who cares about these darned critics!! Will they be able to mount a stationary bike for 4 and a half seconds before falling off, at 83? Er… probably! But that’s not the point. Let’s come back to the point! And the point is, that aapri Armin, the award-winning historian, is the finest student of both Parsi (Persian), and American, (Indian NRI’s) history.

Let’s just be honest for a minute and face facts – Donald Trump is an off the beaten track sort of politician. It’s almost as if he came in from left field, which would be a contradiction in terms, as his views are strongly right field! Armed with information, people talk. People whisper. Which is the same as talk, but a lot softer. Also, whispers can’t be heard, so you can make up anything you want as the deciphered conversations! That’s why whispers are preferred by diplomats and politicians around the world.

The Chinese, as you may have guessed by now, were both pioneers and masters of this art, and hence the term ‘Chinese Whispers’ was born! Although, this term was deciphered by a Japanese diplomat, after hearing some such thing from a Chinese diplomat. Unfortunately, we seem to have digressed yet again. So, let’s go back to Trump – which is exactly what the USA did, last November!

Now just examine the evidence provided by our two anthropologists – our dear Pestonji and Perin: If a guy is from off the beaten track, someone unconventional, very individualistic, very opiniated, very hungry… what would you call him? The answer is ‘A Parsi’! Yes, all these are factors that are generic to Parsis. For example, let’s look at the IPL franchises. The names are Mumbai Indians, Chennai Super Kings, Hyderabad Sunrisers, etc. However, if we have an All-Parsi team in the ‘IPL’, what would it be called? Simple Parsee Cyclists. Ok, or maybe, Parsee Motorcyclists. Do you see Armin’s point?

Hence, historians and sociologists, plus two anthropologists are espousing the theory that, could Donald Trump, be a Parsi in actuality? There is some evidence of Trump’s great, great, grandparents, holidaying in Sanjan, about 150 years ago. Apparently, Gujarat offered great honeymoon packages at that time, with alcohol included and no sign of GST (remember those happier times!?). Armin listed a few possible co-relations pointing to Donald Trump’s Parsi heritage:

(a) Trump has orange hair – Sohrab Sopariwalla also had orange hair.

(b) Trump’s son has the same name as him. Hello, Shapoorji Pallonji – Pallonji Shapoorji – anyone?

(c) Trump is tall. He loves his food. But what will clinch any debate or doubt left if your mind is – he still wears ties in 2025. Oh, and above all, he owns lots of ancestral property.

Now, in the words of Armin, “Game, Set and Match!!”

So, is Donald, in reality, really Donald John Trump? Or is he actually Donald Jerbanoo Trump? Yup, it’s possible! He kept his great, great grandmother’s name! Now, please don’t get hysterical, this is only a theory. Also, truth be told, Armin came up with this theory after falling off her bike and getting a good knock on her head… to be perfectly honest.

Dear Parsi Times readers, from me, and the possible great, great grandson of Jerbanoo – Wish you all Jamshedi Navroz Mubarak!!