Soli, the bachelor, had been wanting to get married for some time now. His loneliness had gotten to him and so he had started drinking country-liquor, like Devdas. His land-lady, Pilamai Popat, counselled him to get married and fixed up an appointment with the famous match-maker, Coomi Kaajwali, saying, “There’s this fat, five-foot-nothing ‘boy’ of 74, who wants to marry a girl and prefers if he could stay on at her place post marriage – for free boarding and lodging.

What Pilamai Popat didn’t know was that Soli had gone to another match-maker last year, and she had shown him three sisters – all with ‘slight’ defect. One was slightly deaf; the other – sightly mad; and the third – slightly ‘pregnant’. Soli had rejected all three.

But, as per Pilamai Popat’s wish, Coomi called Soli to her house before recommending him to any girl. This is how the conversation went…

Coomi Kaajwali: Bawa, tamuney kevi bairi joiyej?

Soli: Anyone rich with a flat in Cusrow Baug or any other Parsi Baug. I don’t mind if she is single, double, married, divorced or widowed, but you must show me the photo of the flat first! Also, maney galeli jevi tender and sweet bairi joiyej, like the girls in a James Bond film.

Coomi: Bawa, kumri galeli jevi toh oochkai gaij – only paakat ones over 60 are available, besides the girls in a Bond film are sent to kill Bond.

Soli: But she must be very attractive with film-star looks!

Coomi: Kai bawa? Showcase ma mukwani chey soo? Besides, beautiful girls want a tall, dark and handsome ‘boy’ like three-in-one ice-cream! You are short and not at all good-looking, but I’ll see what I can do!

Coomi aunty arranged a meeting the following week with a prospective bride called Ziana Zanzibarwala who wore a black and white stripped dress, looking like a Zebra from Zanzibar while our Soli Sali-boti wore a red shirt, green pants, blue jacket and yellow scarf, together with orange shoes – ekdum technicolour – looking like an inmate of a mad-house. He came an hour early and got-up from his chair as soon as the Zebra entered, to zap her with his charming manners.

Coomi: Besi Jao! Why did you get-up like a jack-in-the-box? Never seen a woman before or what?

Soli: I’m very excited!

Coomi: Please keep your excitement for after marriage. Teh vakhatey ghanee jaroor parsey. Down boy!

Soli sat down and Coomimai whispered to Ziana, “See, so obedient! Just like my dog, Oscar! Excellent marriage material!”

Ziana then took out 10 pages of questions and asked Soli to answer them. If he got good marks, Ziana would consider marrying him. Soli felt as though he was sitting on the hot-seat of Kaun Banega Karorpatti.

Question: Do you smoke cigars?

Soli: Nahi ji – I have never smoked a cigar nor have I ever played with it like President Clinton.

Ziana: Very good. Ten on ten marks. Next question: Do you drink daru?

Soli: I drink only cow’s milk. I’ve never even seen a daru-bottle in my life. Kevi aavey?

Ziana: Theek chey. Another ten on ten. Do you gamble with cards or play matka?

Soli:  I only play Ekka-par-char with my best friend, Keki Kanjoos. As for the matka, I store my drinking water in it.

Ziana: Ten on Ten. Are you fond of daily outings? I don’t like to sit at home all day. I am farnaar-harnaar!!

Soli: Every morning, we can hop into a kachra-ni-gaari and do Mumbai Darshan for free!

Ziana: Zero marks! Galat Jawab!!  I meant daily movies, nataks, concerts, dance recitals, art-galleries, club-lunches, high-teas and barbeques plus week-ends in Ali Baug, Lonavla or Matheran!!  Now next question: Do you bet on horses at the race-course?

Soli: Toba-toba!!! The last races I played were the three-legged race and the lemon-and-spoon race in school!

Ziana: Full marks! What about pornography? Do you read Playboy?

Soli: I hate reading. Never read anything after I left school. I don’t even read news-papers!

Ziana: Very good! Do you watch blue-films?

Soli: I have seen only black and white and colour movies. The only blue-film I have seen is Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s ‘Saavariya’ which was shot in blue-sepia colour throughout. But what lovely songs! It was the debut film of Ranveer and Sonam.

Ziana: Ten on ten. Any woman in your life? It’s rumoured that you have a married girl-friend who looks like an elephant?

Soli: Nahi ji. She looks like a hippo and I am single and ready to mingle.

Ziana: Good. Any parents? I won’t stay with in-laws or out-laws!

Soli:  I had only one mother and she expired long ago.

Ziana: I’ll give you extra marks since I won’t have any mother-in-law problems.

Soli:  Computerji, I mean Zianaji, any more questions? Have I passed with full marks? Shall I book Cama Baug for our wedding and Switzerland for our honeymoon – of course, all at your cost?

By now, Ziana, who was a shrewd and jabri woman-of-the-world got suspicious because Soli-soti-boti sounded too good to be true. She sensed dal-mein-kuch-kaala-hai, not realising that poori-ki-poori-dal-kaali-hai!!! Just then, the bhakhras, popatjis, pattice, pastries and bhajiyas arrived and momentarily Soli lost his concentration. He was distracted by food and the feeling that he had answered all the questions correctly, he just slipped a little in replying to the last question:

Ziana:  Do you have any vices?

Soli:  Yes. Only one. I am a cumpulsive liar.

Ziana: I knew it. I knew it! SHAADI CANCEL!!!

Ziana started crying. I want to go back to Zanzibar and marry my parjat boy-friend! So what if he looks like a chimpanzee – at least he’s honest! Soli gave Ziana his clean, white kerchief. She blew her nose into it and returned it saying, “Thanks!”

Soli: Zianamai – tamaro soo vichaar chey? Shall I book Cama Baug or not?

Ziana: Marerey, muo juthho!!  I hate people who tell lies. Even if you are the last man on earth, I would prefer to die a spinster!

And there ends the sad story of our besharam, mafatiyo, Soli, also known as Soli Sali-Boti and Soli Soti-Boti!