Parsi Times is thrilled to welcome on board the absolutely hilarious and super talented, TV, theatre and Bollywood personality, Cyrus Broacha, known for his inexhaustible and uproarious wit! What better way to ring in the New Year than laughter? And who better than Aapro Cyrus, the Brand Ambassador of Humour itself, to ensure we’re on the floor, laughing! PT is privileged to kick off our Laughter King’s column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great’, in our New Year and Festive Special Issue!   

When Anahita called me up, I was terrified. But soon she clarified she wasn’t the same Anahita who was kind enough to go on three dates with me in 1997. And who, I owed conservatively without compound interest, (Vijay Mallya are you listening), over 2,037 Rupees. And now I’ve done it again so let’s hope that the 1997 Anahita doesn’t read this column. But then, this present day Anahita, (I asked her if I could call her Ana and she said no), terrified me again. She said she wanted me to write a column for the Parsi Times. Why me? Why not a really famous, celebrated Parsi? Well apparently, Zubin Mehta was having a bath, Ratan Tata is way too busy, Boman Irani has hurt his back, and Leonardo Di Caprio is still not owning up to his Parsi ancestry… furthermore they had run out of budget, and needed someone desperate enough for any little publicity that could come his way. All this made sense, plus with her considerable contacts and influence in the Police, I agreed.

Then came the battle of what subject was to be written about. Anahita asked me for suggestions. I gave her three: 

• Why short pants should be allowed at funerals;
• Why the word ‘Bijoo’ in Gujarathi and Malayalam have completely different meanings; and
• History of the travel agent who was supposed to guide the ship from Tehran to Frankfurt, but landed in Navsari, because he drank too much. And then, upon reaching Gujarat, not at all.

Anahita, being a true democrat, with a more egalitarian outlook, responded with the one word I most often hear – “Rubbish!” she said. And so we both decided, which was completely her decision, that I must write about the Wedding/Lagan Season. But first, she demanded, I introduce myself to the readers…

Dear Readers, I am Cyrus of Malabar Hill, direct descended of Cyrus of Anshaan. Known to history as ‘Cyrus the Not-So-Great’. I am 91 kilos, a lot of it water, and five foot eight… if I really, really stretch. I eat 7 meals a day, mostly off other people’s plates, and here are 4 fun facts about me:

1. I’ve never ever felt cold. Just don’t have the cold gene.
2. Prefer horses to humans, and dogs to horses. But between vegetables and humans, it’s humans every time.
3. I only seem to know Alfa females, so I’m generally petrified of the other gender.
4. I can’t understand the decline of the ‘Kid Ghosh’ and ‘Alleti Paleti’, over the years. Especially this last decade, which has seen the rise of an awful dish called, ‘Country Chicken’. Quite frankly, I feel that such a chicken should be sent back to its own country. (Sorry no more jingoisms from now on).

….And now on to the lecture…

The Wedding/Navjot season, with all its fervour and gaiety, still requires some Do’s and Don’ts…

• Look – I’m a big fan of the Dugli. But please remember that a good ‘Dug’ is white or off-white. So when you are on your 4^th Navjot in 7 days, repeating the Dugli may be hazardous. Who amongst us hasn’t dropped a little ‘Akoori’, on his chest? If you’ve got the map of Australia on your upper chest, your Dugli will get attention from more than just passing tourists.
• Women with elegant sarees, please understand that men will stare at your midriff, and it’s not our fault. Metoo in Gujarati, just means ‘sweet’. So, it’s all pretty confusing.
• Those in Western wear must remember that a suit without a tie is like a bikini without an underwear.
• Peramni! Always a contentious issue, it must be calculated according to the Canadian Dollar. As clearly, half the Parsi population now lives in Canada.
• Now, for the most important things – car parking and food. Whatever they say about valet parking, do you want some 19-year-old novice, to touch your BMW from the outside, let alone inside? The answer is a Persian word, called ‘Uber’.
• And now food. Too much tandoori and continental snacks are doing the rounds. Such ‘Lagan Na Bhona’ must be penalized. The oldies but goldies must be kept alive, after all, the Mangeshkar sisters are still singing in their 90’s, so why this bias against, Kid Ghosh, Salli Boti, Alleti Paleti, and Saas Ni Macchi?

Dear Reader, Anahita has just suggested I stop writing. And by suggested I mean, she has stamped on my foot repeatedly. So let’s discuss your points of view on how to brighten the festive season… till next time, it’s Aavjo! Do send me your suggestions – I promise not to read them!