Valentine’s Day And COVID!

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As the world grapples with this situation, (I’m talking of poor connectivity of Wifi), I would like to apologise to the readers for being somewhat dormant in the last few months. Apparently, there’s some sort of illness out there, for which all of us investigative journalists, Parsi and Non-Parsi, but not Chinese, were forced to live in a Covid-free bubble. And by Covid-free bubble, I mean Paras Building, Apartment 7B, Behind Fab India, (please don’t ask which branch), and bang opposite Sharma Ganna juice-wala.

Now, let’s talk of the ‘Haves’ and ‘Have-Nots’… also to be called the ‘Baug’ Parsis, and the Non-Baug Parsis. Since the Baug Parsis anyways live in a bubble, for them it’s business as usual. For the Non-Baug Parsis, it was a difficult existence…

Your mother, being your only companion, is challenging in the best of times, though not for her. But 11 months of lockdown with one person? Just one person? Let’s call it by its real name. It’s not a ‘Lockdown’. It’s being in a ‘Lock Up’! However, I survived this horrible phase, thanks to advice from my Uncle Vistasp. He said, “Clean the toilet, use the toilet, think of the toilet.”

But Dikraas and Dickrees, and err others… as we get closer to normal life, a new threat has dawned. What to do on Valentine’s Day?

Just a few years ago Valentine’s Day, was about to become the Parsi ‘Navratri’!! Huge celebrations, festive atmosphere, only difference being cars would be parked properly, in adherence to parallel parking requisites.

In 2021, Valentine’s Day is going to be a serious challenge. Think Edmund Hillary – the mountaineer. No-no, I don’t mean his challenge of climbing Mount Everest, but the challenge of explaining to his wife why he was missing for six months ostensibly climbing a bloody mountain!

With the whole Social Distance challenge, I decided to get the advice of the greatest Parsi lovers since Errol Flynn – ‘Farzaad the Fornicator’. Now, please remember that this is an affectionate title, and a mark of great respect, in these difficult breeding times, for India’s premier community.

Here is what Farzaad had to say. As a foot note, please don’t try and contact Farzaad the Fornicator, on your own. He’s notoriously shy, especially for a fornicator. He lives in Montreal, Canada, and wants his privacy to be respected. And in Canada, he goes by the name ‘Freddie the Faltoo’, so it’s highly confusing to try and get in touch with him. Anyway, since he attends the same stamp collecting class as my Aunt Freny, I did contact him and here’s his excellent sermon, which I recorded on my phone:

“See Baba, love is the most important emotion in the world. Us Parsis are distracted by love for many things, so much that we forget to love ourselves! By many things, I mean, Gustaad loves bikes, Shiavax loves fashion, Parvez loves body-building, and Dolly loves Doggies. Now being a Parsi, your threshold and volume of love is greater than others. So Dolly pours all her love into feeding and caring for dogs, thus she neglects her husband, Framjee, who in total spite, ran away with her pet Dashund – ‘Sindbad’! You see, too much love is the problem. Too much love for one thing means love does not get spread around.

This Valentine’s day also might have to be practiced in a safe way. What with the social distancing, and limit to entry in public places, not to mention timing restraints. I humbly request all Parsis to invite their loved ones to join in their celebration of their ‘other’ love. For instance Dara must invite Delnaaz to enjoy his passion for motorcycles with him, by watching an old episode of ‘Top Gear’ together. This way, and only for this pandemic calendar year, the love must be spread around. Next year, Dara is free to ignore Delnaaz, and focus on his bikes in peace.

A word of caution, though. If the love and passion is for your ‘mother’, then avoid the sharing concept. ‘Saas bhi kabhie bahu thi’, doesn’t translate well in Gujarati.’ ”

Dear friends, we can’t, we must not, and we will not argue with the wise words of, Farzaad the Fornicator. So, with our Government’s permission – here’s wishing you all a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’! And Night!!