Imagine that someone put hot coal in your hand! Instead of dropping the coal, you carry it around, and it continues to burn you. One day, you finally decide to let go. Your hand only now starts to heal. It may take time, but the constant pain that comes from carrying the coal starts lessening. Forgiveness is like dropping that hot coal. When you forgive people and situations, you jumpstart the process of healing. Forgiveness and healing are strongly co-related – it’s difficult to have one without the other. Grudges are like toxins within our emotions. When you learn to eliminate these toxins, only then can the body begin to heal and return to homeostasis (natural state of wellbeing and balance).

Medical science tells us, not forgiving someone can impact both, physical and mental health; likewise, forgiveness has been associated with a variety of physical and mental health benefits. Research has established that forgiveness leads to healthier hearts, lowered blood pressure, strong immune responses, decrease in anxiety and depression. Forgiveness also contributes to people’s inner happiness and sense of well-being. As hard as it might be to forgive people or situations that have deeply hurt you, the benefits are certainly worth the challenge.

Forgiving yourself may be harder than forgiving others. Everyone has wronged someone, intentionally or else. Often, people feel they do not deserve to be forgiven for their actions. Yet, just the opposite is true. Just as you forgive others, you need to forgive yourself too. Forgiveness is liberating, it frees the one who hurt you, but most importantly, it frees you from those negative emotions and triggers, and from being a victim. It empowers you to move on with strength, without that deadweight on your heart.

When we refuse to forgive, our body remains in a state of negativity, releasing chronic stress hormones that can lead to ill-health. You focus on your pain, creating increased stress, which attracts further pain and hurt. Chronic symptoms of ulcers, backaches and migraines have all been cured when patients have simply let go their grudges and forgiven truly.

In the presence of Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, love heals feelings of helplessness and deep fear. Forgiveness allows your brain to produce more oxytocin, meaning, you have less fear of betrayal and greater ability to move on from all hurtful situations. Your sleep improves and you rest more peacefully, allowing your body to harness its natural healing abilities. I personally feel, we, as health practitioners, fail in our duty towards our patients, unless we deal with their issues holistically and make them realise how their emotions affect their physical symptoms.

Forgiveness may mean different things to different people. It doesn’t necessarily mean sacrificing your self-worth and forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. It involves the decision to let go of resentment and any thoughts of vengeance (Nature and karma need no petitions!). The act that hurt or offended you may be replaying in your head like a non-stop tape. Forgiveness lessens its grip on you and helps free you from the auto-play mode, as also the control of the person who harmed you. True forgiveness leads to feelings of understanding, empathy and finally, compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life, from strength to strength, embracing your own inner potential.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you’re not, anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change, to move from suffering to forgiveness. Here are a few guidelines:

1. First, recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what exact action/event. Acknowledge your emotions about the pain you feel and how that affects your feelings and behaviour.
2. Commit to work towards the release of these emotions for your own well-being. Consciously choose to forgive, move away from your grudges as also your role as a victim and thus release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life. As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt.
3. Seek your inner wisdom which guides you towards compassion and understanding. Consciously, practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you too would have reacted similarly if you faced the similar circumstances and life experiences.
4. Get in tune with your inner calling and innate wisdom. Pray and seek divine blessings to heal you. Bring in your awareness that forgiveness is an on-going process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven, over and over again.
5. Reflect on times when you may have hurt others intentionally or unintentionally. Silently thank those who’ve forgiven you and ask yourself if you want to seek forgiveness from someone in particular.

Importantly, consider seeking professional help like counselling / therapy, if your emotions are too overwhelming to handle by yourself.

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words is never the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness as how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional, physical and spiritual healing.

When you’re on the other side and seeking forgiveness from another, the first step then is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrong you’ve done and how it has affected others. Be honest but avoid judging yourself too harshly. If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider admitting it to those affected. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret and ask for forgiveness — without making any excuses.

Remember, you can’t force someone to forgive you or ask your forgiveness. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. Healing is not just a possibility; it is imminent when you truly forgive. God bless!!

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Dr. Danesh Chinoy

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