Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, is back to trigger unlimited giggles and guffaws, with his hilarious taking on the zodiac signs with his Parsi Predictions, in our exclusive column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great!’

 

 

 

Parsi Predictions For Navroz!

Before you could say ‘Aflatoon Vandrewala’, the Persian New Year has arrived! Normally, the conversation will revolve around feasting and festivities, as it should, but the year 2024 deserves something more. Yesterday, as I was falling through various incomplete metro work, (yes, yes, it’ll be complete any moment now, Yawn!), I realised what is the one thing, that you think about around a new year? Ok – two things. Firstly, you look at your spouse and say, “Why are you still here?” And secondly, most people think about what the future will bring, which sometimes brings them back to the first point, “Why are you still here?”!

It was one of the greatest Parsis of all times – Bejan Daruwala – who had the monopoly on what the future holds. After his passing, I sourced out an alleged assistant of his, who I found sleeping under a Morris Minor at 3:00 pm in the afternoon. The following is Ronnie Ginwala’s take on the next 12 months for all Parsis:

Since the newspaper is very small, and mostly runs out of print by Friday, I may not be able to fit all 12 signs, so please bear with me… Over to Ronnie G:

Aries – March-April: God is hinting that you do things on your own. Do not use partners. Even in love making. Actually, especially in love making. Going alone is the way to success, glory, money, love and successful building repairs.

 

Taurus – April-May: Strong points are sincerity and hard work. However, you’ve tried that before, and you’ve achieved nothing. This year, be bold and try insincere, dishonest and no work. Now watch yourself reach the stars!

 

Gemini – May-June: Being two faced isn’t such a bad thing. Try and do everything in sets of two. If you can’t do 2, then do 4, but never 3. If you can’t do 4, then do 6, but never 5. Being the most social of signs, opportunities will come your way – just make sure, they are 2 opportunities, and not 1.

 

Cancer – June-July: Unlike the social Gemini, you are amongst the least social, but you have that extra sixth sense – like you can tell if there is no leg-piece left in the Salli Chicken at a Navjote, even before the catering staff! Use that extra sense to manipulate markets or even management and clients in your job space.

 

Leo – July-August: You are the Greatest! A Lion! The king of the Baug or colony! Your confidence and spirit is unbreakable! (Authors Note: Cyrus Broacha being a Leo has forced me to write this). Just try to stop chasing lionesses all the time. Don’t stop at building or colony domination. Think instead of World Domination! Think Putin!! Think Xingping!! Think Orry!! World Domination!!!

 

Virgo – August-September: You are both – the learner, and the learned. You need to know when to be which one. If you are playing the role of the teacher, don’t answer the question. That is, when you are playing the role of the pupil, keep these 2 avatars apart, and then other than Leo, nothing can stop you. (Author’s Note: Mr. Cyrus has contributed the last sentence).

 

Libra – September to October: Your good point is popularity. Everybody likes you. Weak point? No one can remember you. They have trouble placing you. Simple solution is to wear bright colours like orange, pink, purple, and vermillion. Dress everyday like you are performing at a Dandia-night. Once they start noticing you, you will become head of the class!

 

Scorpio – October-November: Your very independence means you can’t be bullied! However, you have this bad quality of being a realist. In today’s world, there is little place for realism. Please learn how to fake it to make it. You must learn to lie to go on a successful date, or do well at work. If you do, no one can compete with a Scorpion……. (Author’s Note: I’ve stopped Cyrus from adding a line here).

 

Sagittarius – November-December: Why do you always go where no one else is going? You are the most likely of Parsis to settle in Navi Mumbai, Panvel or Nallasopara. Nobody knows why! Since you are a super courageous sign, just control your contrarian personality and continue living in Tardeo. The stars will come to you.

 

Capricorn – December-January: God calls you the most orderly and perfect sign. For e.g. no Parsi Capricorn ever stops the car on a Zebra Crossing. You will always stop before it. But please remember other signs, barring Leo, are not as perfect as you, so work around them to reap rewards. (Author’s Note: I tried stopping him… ).

 

Aquarius – January-February: You are both – very shy and very intelligent. However, if you are so quiet, how will anyone know you are intelligent? You must make more noise. If you don’t know how to, go to a Leo, he will show you. (Author’s Note: He’s just taking over).

 

Pisces – February-March: Last and now sadly, also least. We have run out of column space, so, have to stop here, but dear Parsi Piscean, next Jamshedi Navroz, we will start with you. Theek che?

 

Navroz Mubarak to all genders!