Are you encountering a weight-plateau, where the numbers on the scale just won’t budge, no matter what you try? Do you wanna get rid of those last stubborn 5 kilos… or even those 10 (or more)… and that too in a jiffy? Okay then. Settle down in your favourite easy chair or recliner, with one kilo wafers and that huge mithai-box you got for Diwali. Come on, you haven’t started the diet yet, so eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you die(t)!! And now, the diet…

First things first – as soon as you feel hungry, gargle with mouthwash! This revolutionary breakthrough will give your mouth such an antiseptic taste that it will kill all your tastebuds! Carry a flask of mouthwash to every lunch, kitty and dinner party and gargle just before the food is served. You won’t feel like eating anything after that!

The diet? THAT was the diet! Actually, l don’t want my diet to be heralded without publicity because great discoveries like this one deserve great rewards! I want to write a whole book on it because today everyone and anyone, as well as the neighbour’s dog, is a ‘self-published author’! Never mind if the book is a self-funded, vanity-publication, with only 5 copies sold (distributed for free) at the fancy book-launch!

No, no! My diet book will be different since l’m original – no getting ‘inspired’ (read plagiarism) from Rujuta Divekar, Luke Coutinho, or our PT’s Dr. Trishala or even apro Mickey Mehta! The publicity and marketing will be handled by me. lt will evoke: “At last! A diet to out-diet all other diets!”.

The book will be in clearly set-out, readable form, with charts and pictures. It will be unputdownable and you won’t want to share it with your friends because then, they’ll all slim down and you’ll hate them for it! I’ll be rich and famous because diet-books outsell cookery-books by ten to one.

But now the question is, how do l get my one-line idea of, “Gargle instead of eating a burger!” into one whole book? Come to think of it, how does ANY diet book spin out the one-line idea of, “eat less, workout more,” into the required 250 pages, without which the publisher may be embarrassed to charge Rs. 900 per book!?

You remember the lady who became rich and famous after her ‘Papaya Diet’ was published? All that l could gather after reading the first 200 pages was that papaya contains some enzyme which makes you slim and trim and altogether wonderful. She appeared on TV shows and was interviewed extensively.

She’s not alone. The ‘Scarsdale Diet’ made its author a millionaire and the ‘F-Plan Diet’ of eating fibre at every meal sold volumes too. Closer home, years ago, Rama Bans, who taught me yoga, wrote a book on the subject but then, it was sensible and sustainable because the lady practiced what she preached. What she wrote was the way she lived her life.

Most foreign books on dieting have evolved slowly through autobiographical notes, chapters on how intestines work, charts of calorific contents of food, etc. Now, l shall give Parsi Times readers a teaser-trailer of my book… a synopsis in advance.

Chapter 1: l used to so be fat and obese (all fekum-fek because the book should have a dramatic opening) that each time l left the house, 2 servants had to push me out, (or pull me in in, depending on whether l was going or coming).

Chapter 8: Your small intestine and large intestines are your gut and gut-health is most important.

Chapter 12: Which food contains which vitamin, mineral, and why it’s important.

Chapter 16: You can have any amount of hot tea on this diet, provided it’s without milk, sugar or tea-leaves – just hot water.

At the end of each chapter, l shall draw a mouthwash bottle to inspire readers and boost their willpower.

Epilogue: lf you feel hungry, excercise. Before or after food? “Instead of” (Don’t ask silly questions!).

Which exercise? Shaking your head side-to-side (saying no) each time you’re offered food.

When my book is published, all readers get a 50 Paisa discount on every copy! Now excuse me while l go write the book!!