Behram-Bawa fancied himself to be a great singer, actor and shaayar (poet). He even called himself Baiju-Bawra since he had grown up on a staple diet of Hindi films, thanks to his cinema-crazy family, who saved money by eating less food so they could see more movies! Behram even bunked school and college to see the Friday first- day-first-show with his folks!!

When Behram was in the first standard in school, he once wrote a love letter to his teacher who was his very first crush. In retaliation, she had demoted bicharo Behram to kindergarten! Ever since then, whenever he fell in love, Behram had been unlucky and always seemed to end up with a kick in the rear (what we Parsis humorously call: G.P.L.)!

As a college-boy, Behram Baiju Bawra was madly in love with Manijeh-Madhubala. He would romantically pen down and give her one love-letter daily, singing, “Yeh mera prem-patra padh kar,” (song from the Hindi movie, ‘Sangam’). But unfortunately as ever, for our bicharo Behram, Manijeh’s strict and dictatorial mom, Dolatbanu the dragon, also known as Dolly-daakan, would find the love-letter, crumple it angrily and give it away to the kachrawalo, along with the garbage!

And this is where the comedy of errors ho gaya! The kachrawalo thought Dolly memsaab was having the hots for him, since she gave him a daily dose of love-letters! After much thought, he decided to reciprocate and thanked her, saying, “l love you too!”. The old dragon, Dolly-daakan, took out her laal-makhmal-ni-sapaat and gave him a sound thrashing!

Meanwhile, the lovers – our actual hero-heroine, namely Behram Baiju Bawra and Manijeh-Madhubala would continue meeting, “chori, chori, chupke, chupke,” at Marine Drive, Chowpatti or even Jijamata Udyaan! Both had now even fallen head over high heels in love with each other! In fact, during the rainy season, when it thundered, Manijeh Madhubala would hug Behram Baiju Bawra and say coyly, “Haye daiyya! Oh baap re!! l’m so scared!! Please hold me tight!” and Behram would gladly do so! And when it was time for him to go home, he would dreamily hum to himself, “Zindagi bhar nahi bhulegi voh barsaat ki raat,” – much like our actor of yore – Bharat Bhushan, who sang this song in the flick of the same name.

But again! Kahani mein twist!! You see, the families of Behram Baiju Bawra and Manijeh-Madhubala hated each other, way, way more than the Capulets and Montagues of Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo And Juliet’ hated each other! And hence, now these ‘pyaar ke dushman’ were trying their best to sabotage this blissful romance.

The lover in Behram could take it no more! He decided to confront his lady-love Manijeh’s father. He went over and upon seeing him, he started singing, ‘Pyaar kiya toh darna kya?’ The father sized him up and down and then curtly replied, “Get lost, you madhouse-no-mehman!”

Manijeh who was silently witnessing this, initially in a state of shock, got very upset with Behram’s behaviour, for making a spectacle of himself and also shooting up her Pappa’s blood-pressure! She yelled at him at the top of her lungs, saying, “l never want to see you again!” She went on and migrated to Canada with her family.

Thus, once again the lovers were separated, and yet again aapro bicharo Behram ended up with a heartbreak. The diwana-aashik drowned his sorrows drinking sasta-liquor at ‘Aunty’s Bar’. He would be heard telling all his cronies: “Jo kabhi lipat jaati thi, baadalon ke garajne par, voh aaj baadalon se bhi zyada garji mujhpar!” (The one who once hugged me close when the skies thundered, has today thundered all over me!”)

His cronies exclaimed in unison, “Wah wah! Wah wah!! Kya baat hai! Kya shaayari hai!!…. But, what does it mean?”

And so, bicharo Behram Baiju Bawra soon became Behli-bevdo, all thanks to Kambakht lshq!

But even though they now lived separate lives, Behram Baiju Bawra and Manijeh-Madhubala still pined for each other, just like Laila-Majnu and Shirin-Farhaad.

Years passed by. A lot of years passed by. So many years passed by that had they married, they would have become grandparents by now!

After many decades of this heart-breaking separation, Manijeh returned to aamchi-Mumbai and the lovers accidentally bumped into each other at Nanachowk’s bhaji-gully. Their eyes met (just like in old Hindi flicks) – it was a Kodak-moment (or selfi-moment) no less, but even then, nothing happened. Dono ki love-fever utar gayi thi!! (The once raging love-fever of these lovers had subsided).

That evening at Aunty’s Bar, Behram recited this shaayari to his cronies:

Behram: Arz karta hoon…

Cronies: Varsaad! Varsaad!!

Behram: Arrey gadheras! lt’s ‘lrshaad’!!

Cronies: Irshaad! Irshaad!!

Behram: Voh purani mohobbat achaanak mili bazaar mein… Uske gale mein spondilitis-collar tha, aur mere dil mein stents…

Cronies: Phir kya hua??

Behram: Na uski gardan hili, na mera dil dhadka!!

End of tragedy? Nahi re! Picture abhi baaki hai, because Baiju Bawra will fall in love once more (paacho harmar thavaa), but that will be another funny story for another Saturday!