My friend, Nariman the Noble, (okay his name is Nariman Noble, but because he’s so full of himself, his well-wishers, which mostly consist of himself, have added the word ‘the’ in the middle), on the point of being arrested by whomsoever forms the next Govt. of India, has come out with his own list of demands. He calls this list ‘A,PPP’. That is ‘A Polite Proposal For Parsis’.

Nariman the Noble, told me, off-the-record, at a public function attended by 1,700 people, that in India, if you didn’t create your own lobby, your voice would never be heard. Then he promptly proceeded to demonstrate, on a microphone, in front of 1,700 people, the sounds of different bird species. He began with crow sounds – that sounded more like a pigeon being stepped on. Then he went for the ducks mating effect. The authenticity of this could not be verified as there were no female ducks in the audience… the closest to one being Aunty Katayoon, but she had fallen fast asleep seven minutes before Nariman the Noble’s monologue on birds sounds.

Nariman the Noble’s point of course was that when crows make the same sound together, they can be heard. This led to Hoshiyaar Contractor pointing out that he was rudely woken up every day by Nariman the Noble’s 35-year-old Yezdi, which also made horrible crow sounds early in the morning, which consistently woke Hoshiyaar up. Fisticuffs followed, but what was left behind was Nariman the Noble’s well etched PPP – Polite Proposal for Parsis! Here are the salient features:

1. Parsis should be given their own State: Kashmir has special status, Telangana only recently became a separate State. Neither of them contributed to the building of Mumbai. The Parsees on the other hand, built Mumbai almost singlehandedly! And what did they get in return? 3 Statues???

2. The Parsi State should consist of areas of Mumbai where the Parsi population is high: The State should thus comprise of Colaba, Cuffe Parade, Byculla, Tardeo, Grant Road, Dadar, Bandra, Khar, and parts of Jogeshwari and Andheri.

3. Design a ‘PETRO’: Since, these are not linear parts, geographically speaking, a special Parsee Metro or ‘Petro’, must be designed to allow Parsis to continue their march of progress, in peace. Non-Parsis, can use the ‘Petro’, but must give up their seat for Parsis, if necessary.

4. 10% Reservation for Parsis on all Reality Shows like Indian Idol. Parsees are born entertainers and must be allowed to regale all segments of society with their talent and flamboyance.

5. Special Passes For Parsis: All Parsis must be given Special Passes. This Pass indicates that no policeman or more importantly ‘chowkidar’ can stop a Parsi for any traffic or parking violation. This is based on the simple fact that in India, Parsis alone, amongst all communities, just don’t break rules! In fact, they don’t even know how to!! Also, Parsis are so inept at offering bribes, that on such rare occasions, they laugh uncontrollably while doing so!

6. Roads Get Back Their Original British Names: Automatically, in this new Parsi State, all roads lapse back to their British name. For e.g. Durga Dutt Jatia Marg, goes back to, Little Gibbs Road.

7. All restaurants in the new, ‘State’, must carry at least 4 Parsi Dishes. Pulao (mutton) is compulsory amongst these dishes. And if there is no Raspberry Soda, a written explanation, with a contact number should be printed on the main door.

8. VIPs with Red Beacons, and large escorts are not permitted in and around the new State. They may, of course, continue to be a nuisance to all Indians outside the ‘Parsi’ State.

9. During elections, a Parsi vote must count for ‘7’ votes! That’s because, a Parsi is multifaceted – all Parsis can play at least one instrument, have at least one obsession like Marathon running or cars or stamp collection. All will have majored in at least one subject of completely useless information, such as reptiles of Victorian Australia, the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, or chapter and verse of every issue of Auto Car India.

10. Finally, at least one Parsi must be made a Union Cabinet Minister. Preferably Defence or Finance. Although home will also do. Bear in mind though Home Minister means he’ll have to take his mother along, wherever he has to go.

I sincerely hope that Nariman the Noble’s noble thoughts are at least looked at. Till then, it is my humble request that all Parsis make ‘crow’ sounds together, till our collective voice is heard. Jai Parsi, Jai Hind!!!