There’s Plenty Of Octopuses In The Sea!
“There are plenty of fish in the sea,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said. I tried online dating for 6 months. All I caught was a cold. And that’s the good news….
Here’s the not-so-good news…. Women are most afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone ‘fat’! That’s the result of a survey they conducted online. I just mentioned it to build up the right mood!
- Tinder: A dating app that lets you ‘swipe right’ or ‘swipe left’ on a prospective date based on whether you’re interested or not. It also tells you how far you are from them geographically and promises a faster pickup than Uber!
- OKCupid: It’s where Tinder goes to have its Clearance Sale! Most of the guys here look like Brad Pitt or Hritik Roshan…. because they don’t want their wives to find out!
- Hi, Honey! I want some money! – Shaadi.com: The online home of looters, charlatans and conmen who are fabulous looking, even more fabulously wealthy and strangely single! Also they usually need Rs. 10,000/- really urgently because the CBI has unlawfully frozen their bank accounts. I’m not saying there aren’t genuine sorts there, but if it smells like bullshit, it normally is!
- “I’m on a sabbatical”; “I’m finding myself”; “I’m full of wanderlust”; “the mountains are calling”… translated = I AM JOBLESS.
- An online date is also a blind date – because not many people look like their display pictures. And then it turns into a speed date!
- Men don’t have to remember anniversaries! Good news guys. People seem to be celebrating a slew of anniversaries these days – Day We First Met, First Date, First Kiss, First Night, First Fight and what not! In online dating, all this happens on the same day! And you try to remember, you drink to forget! I once met a guy online who remembered my Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Women’s Day!! Turned out he wasn’t in love, he was in HR!!
- Going Dutch: I hate going Dutch on dates. Because when I suggest it, he says “Is there an ATM nearby?” So ladies, take one for the liberated team and just pay up. You get to go home faster. Or you could go Greek, and smash your plate on the floor and leave!
- Sometimes you meet men like Double Fudge Chocolate Cake – Tempting and Dense! He reads only Rumi, to get little quotations to tag his selfies with. And I like men who ogle my books!!
- No darling, Avocado is adult Cerelac! And it’s not a ‘Turmeric Latte’ it’s ‘Haldi wala doodh’!! One guy asked me to try a cookie which was gluten-free, sugar-free, fat –free and cruelty-free. “Is it free?” I asked. “No, it’s 250 bucks!” he said.
- I’m a Grammar Nazi. He’s Literacy France:
Him: “U luking 2 sexy bby”
Me: “by by”
- If you’ve read ‘The Secret’, keep it a secret! Yes, I know the entire universe is conspiring to give me what I want… But I don’t think it’s you! Also, the only chakras I want to activate are on my car!!
- If he was a superhero he’d be Captain Sanskar! I had one guy explain how ideal women should be – “Fair, gentle and non-clingy.” “Congratulations,” I said, “You’ve just described toilet paper!”
Kajol is an alumna of the first ever artists’ residency organized by Akshara and the US consulate on women’s empowerment, ‘Arcs of a Circle’. Kajol has performed widely, including a curated performance at Abhiyuday, IIT Bombay’s Social Festival, the Kala Ghoda Arts Festival of Mumbai and others. She curates and performs at corporate shows with customized content. She also hosts programs and is a graphic designer by the day. Currently she is collaborating with a poet in a dual show where poetry meets standup comedy, called ‘2 Brown Bards’. To connect with Kajol: