There was a special ‘Mandali organised by our 100% educated Parsi community, where Parsi bachelor ‘boys’ (at 45?) were given a masterclass on how to woo a Gori-Gori-Parsi-Ni-Pori, with a view to matrimony. It would be unfair to call it a Masterclass for Morons!

Madam Mehernaaz: You ‘boys’ have come a long way since the ape days, so don’t behave like apes now! When you see a 55-year-old gorgeous ‘girl’ like me, don’t wolf-whistle! Show your appreciation in a more refined way. Any questions?

Just then, one of the boys asked, “Aunty, Aunty, why are you still single and ready to mingle? At 55, most women become grandmothers! You are past your expiry date on the matrimonial-shelf! So, what are you going to teach us?

Manekshaw Mentor: What Mehernaz aunty says is correct. Don’t whistle! Take a girl to a dance-floor and woo her with your expert dance-steps! Try to dance like Jim Carrie and Cameron Dias in ‘The Mask’!

Rohan Romeo: So, while we are dancing is it alright to hold her as well?

Manekshaw Mentor: Why? Are you an octopus?

Dhunji, the dunce: I don’t know dancing! I have got two left feet and no grace!

Prof Kumi Kaajwali: Then sing!

Dhunji, the dunce: I sang once. She ran away. I never saw her again.

Prof. Kumi Kaajwali: Which song?

Dhunji, the dunce: Sweet Mother of Mine.

(The whole class was in splits.)

Behroze, the Beautician: Guys! Guys!! Make yourself romantically attractive with good grooming. Remove that butara jevi dahri and get a nice hair-cut. Apply deodorant rather than ‘aftershave’. There’s nothing more off-putting for a girl than armpits smelling like a kachara-ni-gaari!

Behli Bailo: Miss! Miss! I pluck my eyebrows, apply powder, blush-on and lip-gloss and I’m ready to face the world. But hai re kismat! Not one girl finds me attractive!

Behroze, the Beautician: Behli, you are in the wrong class!! This Masterclass is for learning how to patao girls, not boys!

Manchi Mai-No-Margho: I feel nervous, uncomfortable and a little unsafe around girls because my mommy has warned me about girls saying, “be careful of girls. Never marry. Your wife will walk-in through the door and throw me out of the window!”

Prof Piroj: Come, come, all girls are not like that. But what do you have to offer in a relationship?

Manchi Mai-No-Margho: My mommy! You see, I go to mommy for every little thing including money, so my wife will not have to do anything for me! She just has to make mommy happy and do what she says!

Darabshaw Dentist on the panel: Manchi, leave the class immediately. Now listen to me carefully. This is very important. It’s the gospel truth – never take your mom’s phone calls during a date. After marriage, don’t take your wife’s phone calls when you are with your mom! Even in a boxing match, opponents are kept in separate corners!

The whole class: How profound! What deep philosophy! What imagination! Linking marriage to boxing!

Darabshaw Dentist: Also, buy some flowers for her…

Kunjoos Keki: Flowers na bhav jaanoj ke? Tamey paisa aapvanaj su?

Darabshaw Dentist: I’ll ignore that! The bottomline is, let go of your mother’s apron strings. I’m the guru of love and will teach you guys how to woo and win the heart of a Parsi-ni-pori.

Sammy Six-pack: I’ll teach you how to get six packs and buns of steel. As of now, most of you have family-packs on the abdomen and cream-buns on your rear. I’ll teach you weight-lifting, yoga, pillates, tai-chi, kick-boxing…

The whole class: We are not going for the Olympics! We just want to patao a Parsi-ni-pori!

Sammy six-pack: I’ll give you some mantras to overcome your sickly personalities. Learn three new things in a year – learn a second language and play an instrument.

The whole class: Us Parsi boys already have a second language of choicest gaalis and we all can play the fool!

Prof. Mehernaaz: This is not going anywhere. These ‘boys’ are mostly 45 years of age. At 50, most Maharashtrians or Gujju boys become grandfathers and these dummies don’t know how to patao a girl! A sad state of affairs!!

The whole class: Look here, you panellists, we are just looking to settle down with a pretty girl as quickly as possible and this has nothing to do with our whistling, dancing, singing, second-language or karate and kung-fu! After all, we are Parsis and we know all the tricks of the trade, like if you have white hair, disguise with boot-polish and say, “my hair is naturally brown”; and if you are a batko-batak, wear high heels like our Bollywood stars. If you are a karka-baroos, pretend to be a millionaire and if you own a scooter, promise her an Audi after marriage! These are the real tips and tricks. And in any case, we all have come for time-pass and Dhan-sak! Are we a madari’s monkeys that you want to teach us tricks?

Disclaimer: This is a fictional piece of humour and not aimed at our glorious boys or their mentors – we wish all of them our very best!