Meherbai and Meherwanji had a cardinal rule in their marriage to keep it fresh, young and romantic. Every week, they went on a date – just the two of them, and to hell with housework or any other work! It could be any day of the week, but it had to be a romantic outing.
Recently, they took an entire day trip to a suburban mall for an early lovey-dovey lunch and shopping, after which they saw a movie at one of the theatres inside the mall. By the time the movie was over, it was tea-time, so they went to a coffee-shop, sat at a corner table-for-two and sipped cold-coffees, accompanied by a triple-decker Juicy-Lucy burger and Blueberry-Cheesecake, since lunch toh kyar nu hajam thai gayeloo!! For some more shopping, Meherwanji helped Meherbai to select some shades of lipsticks and blush-on. To return the favour, Meherbai helped Meherwanji select a few natty shirts. And so the ‘day-long date’ went-off beautifully as it did every week, and Meherbai became increasingly romantic. Once as they were settled on a sofa, Meherbai started a romantic conversation…
Meherbai: Mehlla, do you still love me?
Meherwanji: Yes dear!
(By now, PT readers know only too well that these two magic words, ‘Yes Dear’ was the secret of Meherwanji’s happy marriage… never mind if he didn’t mean it and did his own thing after uttering his happy-marriage-nu-mantra).
Meherbai: Mehlloo, do you love me as much as when we got married?
Meherwanji: Yes dear! I love you MORE now, day by day, every day!
Meherbai: That means you loved me LESS yesterday and the day before!!
Meherwanji: (Out of force of habit) Yes dear!!
Meherbai: Soo bolya?
Meherwanji: I mean, NO dear!
Meherbai: Ehvi reetey monosyllables ma na bolo!!
Meherwanji: Meher, my kaleja, fefsa, kidney, bladder… I have always loved you!
Meherbai: How insulting is that? You call me Fefsa, knowing you have breathing-problems, Kidney – knowing you have a stone in it and Bladder, knowing you have a prostrate-problem!! Don’t talk to me!!
Meherwanji: There’s no winning with this woman! Arrey baba, I love you hamesha! Since, Jab we met!
Meherbai: Then show it! Prove it! Promise me you’ll do as I say!
Meherwanji: Promise! Dey taali!
Meherbai: Forget your Dey taali and give me a High-Five. So saying, Meherbai gave such a vigorous High-Five that poor Meherwanji almost uthlai gaya. She further demanded a big juicy kiss ‘like you used to’.
Poor Meherwanji obliged, with the result that his ill-fitting dentures almost fell out!
Meherbai: Now hang upside down from the ceiling and give me an upside-down kiss like Spiderman!
To this, Meherwanji put his foot down. This was too much for him to do at 85. He downright refused with ‘No dear!’
Meherbai: Ok, then say something very romantic.
Meherwanji: You are the best cook in the world!
Meherbai: You call that romantic?
She then ran to her private library and fetched a copy of ‘Shakespeare’s Love Sonnets’, telling her unromantic husband, ”Here, read this and learn something”! Don’t go to sleep at night unless you finish reading from cover to cover”!
Meherwanji read the front cover and the last cover of the book and returned it in five minutes, saying, “I couldn’t digest what William Shakespeare from Ballard Pier is saying.”
Meherbai: Arrey, read the whole book – not just the covers!! Also take some digestive tablets and then open the book. You’ll digest it better.
Poor Meherwanji spent the whole night reading Shakespeare and by morning, was totally sleep-deprived and disoriented. The wife, fresh as a daisy after nine hours of peaceful snooze wished him a good morning.
Meherwanji: Good morning, my jaan, but this love ni sonnet-fonnet book Hajam Nathi thati!
Meherbai: Swallow two Hajmola tablets and then read the book once more. You’ll understand everything.
Meherwanji got a brilliantine idio!! A Eureka moment. He copied the first Sonet on his palm, told Meherbai to close her eyes and read it out to her.
Meherbai: Arrey! Mari Jaaoon mahra darling par thi! I am so happy, I’ll cook my famous tiger-prawn biryani and badam-kheer for you. In the meanwhile, please recite another Sonnet for me!
So Meherwanji quickly copied another poem on his palm to recite to Meherbai. Just then, the obnoxious next door sisters, Jhagrali Jaloo and Jabri Aloo walked in with their favourite question, ” Soo radhoj ? Pamar-pamar thaij!!
The ever generous Meherwanji invited them for lunch – Aavo jamiye!! Like a true chivalrous gentleman, he pulled the chairs for the twins and patted them on the shoulder.
Meherbai: Mehelli, recite the romantic sonnet as a starter after which I’ll serve food.
Meherwanji read out a very romantic, highly erotic sonnet of Shakespeare and the twin sisters started screaming: We are going to the police station and registering an FIR against Meherwanji for trying to ‘outrage our modesty’!! Poor Meherwanji gabhrai gaya and asked, “What did I do wrong?”
The Obnoxious Sisters: You dirty old man, you pervert, you outraged our modesty after forcing us for lunch! You forced us to sit in a chair, touched our shoulders and recited phonography to us.
Meherbai: Not phonography – its pornography. It’s not even that – it’s Shakespeare!
The Twins: Yes. Yes. That only. We are two kachchi kumari, unmarried virgin girls in our late 60’s and Meherwanji tried to act funny with us! He even played footsie with us under the table!
Meherbai: You silly women ! That was my leg which you felt. I have this habit of playing footsie under the table with my husband and your big fat thambla-jevo- pug came in the way!
Meherbai explained the entire situation to the dumb sisters who apologized profusely, demolished everything on the table and left saying, “Sorry Meherwanji, you are not a dirty old man but a sweet old man”.
Meherbai: Marerey! Who in their right minds will ever outrage the modesty of these two Batka Bataks! And Mehlloo, thanks for the romantic Sonnet. I loved it but next time, wear your reading glasses because you left out three vital words and one important sentence. I know Shakespeare by heart!!
Meherwanji: Yes dear!