Just like my hair, it’s come and gone. Just like Jehangir Uncle’s breathing, and Coomi Aunty’s sighing… it just came and left. Of course, many people hope Coomi Aunty would leave the room with her sighs, but that’s a story for another day. But, now that you bring it up, do you ever wonder why a lot of older women – Parsis and others – always sigh before speaking? And, it’s not like they are a discussing a sad subject, like Hoshy Kaka’s smelly feet, or how Farhad insists on wearing only a Speedo, V Brief, costume at the pool, which barely covers 20 grams of his 259 pound frame… They sigh, while requesting a cup of tea, or simply acknowledging their own name, with the word, yes.

Anyhow, I’ve run ahead of myself… what’s come and gone? Oh, yes! Valentine’s Day. Frankly, it could well have been held on the 13^th of February, as hardly anyone noticed the 14^th of February. Yet, we in the Bawa Community, (Romance ranking of World’s Best in Mumbai), pride ourselves on our sense of romance. I’ll never forget, how my dad used to serenade my mom singing ‘Questa Quella’ like, Mario Del Monaco, but with just half a lung. The problem was that dad would, with great gusto, go on one knee, to sing the aria, and then the whole family would have to help him up.

These kind of situations were beautifully explained by the famous Parsi writer Zubin Mehta, (no relation), in his book, ‘Feeling More Pressure From Romance, Than In The Urinal’. In the book, Mehta lists some of the worst gifts handed out on Valentine’s Day. These include, in no particular order, A ‘Çhandamama’ magazine; 2 air tickets to Dhaka; and a 77-year-old Father-in-Law. However, this year with the help of Shiavak Balsara, who is more popularly called PG or Parsee Google, I’ve got a list of inexplicable presents handed by both genders. In the list of crimes against humanity, ridiculous Valentine’s Day gifts fall just below civilian genocide, and just above nuclear proliferation. So, Dikras and Dikrees, let’s not ignore this appalling situation. Top 5 worst gifts. Please xerox copies of this list and pass it around. Knowledge is the only weapon we can use to fight evil…

No.5: The Stuffed Toy – The Teddy Bear was once a classic. But then, Engelbert Humpledink’s hairstyle was once a rage, but today looks like a baby mammal on you head. Stop with the teddy bears and the little kittys, they belong like the Woolly Mammoth to a bygone era.

No.4: Gift Vouchers – Yuck! They make sense if your Valentine needs a job. Redeeming a gift voucher, means studying the fine print, going online and checking, then making it to the store on time. It’s just too much effort for what? A t-shirt? A pair of socks? A watch strap?

No.3: A day at a Spa? You have to be mentally deficient to send this to your loved ones! This will make your lover so unsecure. Am I too fat? Too unhealthy? Too unhygienic? Do I need physical or mental therapy? These are the obvious questions. Obviously, he or she is physically and mentally inadequate, and hence need to be rectified by a Spa!

No.2: A Poem. …Really? A Poem? All you could come up with for the love of your life was 4 lines? That too all borrowed? The whole bloody world knows, ‘Roses are Red’. For God’s sake, nothing shows how little you care more than some free verse, from you to your valentine.

No.1: Picture Portraits. I’m sorry but I have to stop writing here, because I’m feeling nausea coming. Pictures of you and your lover? This is such an incredible selfish concept. You are reminding your lover that this actually is it! The two of you… and nothing else to look forward to! Two people stuck together forever, bound by the series of pictures. Forever! Remember – it’s not working for the BJP and the Shiv Sena, why do you think it’ll work for you?

Now, just in case, you have used any of these gifts, you are bound to suffer, because in most cases, the recipients of these gifts may consign you to a permanent relationship with themselves… forever! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to put reli-spray on my knee, because I was singing Questa Quella to too many wives this week!!