Cyrus The (Not So) Great!

Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, is back to unleash his hilarious take on ……… in our exclusive column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great’!

As Parsi New Year unfolds, my inbox is flooded with messages. Most are from vendors demanding money, and at least two are from angry parents asking me to keeping away from their children.

But then, there are a couple from young Parsi teenagers asking far more relevant and personal questions. It is time the younger, hungrier voices are heard and their questions answered…

Case in Point 1: Are Parsis Meant To Be Vegetarian???

“Hi, my name is Burjor Dumasia. My friends call me ‘BD’- you know, like the poor man’s cigarette. But I don’t mind because I’m never gonna smoke, and even if I did, I wouldn’t smoke ‘bidis’.

But coming back, I’m just confused over these articles by some Parsi Scholars (many of who are self-proclaimed), insisting that us non-veg-loving Parsis were originally vegetarian!!! And based on that, we are all meant to also be vegetarian!!!

Is this true??? Do I need to then give up eating non-veg food? My mother already made me give up playing FIFA, and Fortnight. Food is all I have. Kindly confirm please!!

Cyrus Answers:

“Dearest Burjor aka BD, I have studied your question prudently. And after a lot of deep and detailed research which went well over fifteen whole minutes, but less than twenty, this is what I have discovered. Yes, the Parsis were supposed to be vegetarian indeed!! But when they reached Gujarat, they found themselves in the midst of a ‘Demand-Supply’ issue.

Most of the local population was also vegetarian. The already exhausted vegetarian resources of the land just couldn’t feed any more vegetarians!! Being generous in heart and spirit, the Parsis made the grand sacrifice and volunteered to switch over to non-veg, so that the veg resources wouldn’t get obliterated, and all of Gujarat could eat in peace, with a little to spare.

Today, it is totally up to you to decide which path to choose. Always choose, I suppose, the path that is less crowded. For example, this month I have stopped eating Pizza, so that our Olympic Silver Medallist, Meerabai Chanu, is not deprived of the same.”

And then there was this letter.

Case in Point 2: Strained by the Strains of the Coronavirus!!

Dearest Uncle Cyrus, my name is Shernavaz. I find myself just struggling to try and get an understanding of all these various strains of the Coronavirus! Also, I wanted to know – is there any advantage in being Parsi, in the battle against Corona, and if so, would you please explain the same?

Cyrus Answers:

“Dearest Shernawaaz, firstly, before all else, let me emphasize that I prefer the choicest abuse to the word ‘Uncle’! MC, BC or any other profanity chaalsey! But not Uncle!!! Now, although I read your query 25 minutes ago, I haven’t been able to write back, because I’m still recovering from the word ‘Uncle’!!

(40 minutes later).

Coming back to your question, I shall attempt to lessen your strain by explaining Corona’s strains. So, here goes… See, in total there are 9 Corona strains – Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars…… Umm… oh sorry, those are the planets of the solar system. Corona strains are also very many, but because of time constraints, I won’t be able to list them here.

Now, coming to last part of your question as regards is there any advantage in being Parsi in your battle with corona – I am delighted to tell you – YES!!! Yes, there is an advantage to being Parsi. And this is because the Parsi was voted the ‘cleanest’, Indian community every year, consecutively for the past 155 years!! This heightened sense of cleanliness means Parsis have a 20% advantage over Non-Parsis in the battle against germs. This is not a racial slant, but a scientific fact. A few Parsis may have dirty minds, but none have dirty bodies!! I hope you feel better after knowing this!”

In addition to these questions, I also received a few more questions, such as:

  • What’s the right age for a Bawa to get married?
  • What’s the right age for a Bawa to get remarried?
  • Bawaji versus Diet – who would win?
  • Who pays more tax – a Baug-resident Bawa or a non-Baug resident Bawa?
  • Why did Prince Charles choose Camilla Parker Bowles?

Now, while I would have most certainly loved to have answered all the above questions, I had to stop because of Maharashtra Govt.’s time regulation which does not permit work after 4:00 pm. Hence, I was unable to. I have called the CM’s office, asking for workings hours to be extended to at least 4:15 pm, but so far there has been no response!!!

It’s another New Year with Coronavirus still around and doing the rounds, introducing its strenuous family to us, one strain at a time, but let that not dampen the mood. A celebration is a celebration and must, by all means, be celebrated!! Even if involves celebrating by yourself!

HaPpY NeW YeAr To YoU!!

Cyrus Broacha
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