Cyrus The (Not-So) Great

Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, is back with his monthly column, and this time he is out to help his fellow distraught Parsi brethren…

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Dear Persian reader (86%), Dear Half Persian reader (9%), Dear Non Persian reader (5%), and Dear Shri Rahul Gandhi (.25%), in this column the writer, (henceforth to called myself), will use his years of being ignored by women, (Parsi and non-Parsi), to bring low light into dark tunnels. It is similar to what the Maharashtra Govt. is trying to do with the metro project. Only, myself’s answers will reach the common man, (in this case not-so-common Parsi), faster… much faster.

From Frustrated Freny:
Dear Cyrus,
I’m absolutely flustered with my husband Sorab. It’s been two years since I got married but it feels like an eternity of being jailed in a threesome nightmare… It’s his mother!! She just won’t let him off her lap – sometimes literally!!! And he won’t do a single thing without asking her – be it what clothes to wear or food to eat or how to communicate with the boss at work or what to watch on Netflix! Nothing I cook ever matches up to his mum’s cooking! Before marriage, I thought ‘ketlo sojjo and caring dikro chhe’ but had I known he was such a mumma-nu-bakalyu, I’d have rather been happily married and settled in Canada, and by now working under aapro Trudeau! I am on the verge of divorce – Please help!

Cyrus Advises:
Freny, Freny, Freny… let’s calm you down by using a Gujarati version of an African American greeting – instead of Whats up – Freny, su chalech? First remember, and this is the only positive point of my answer, Freny you are not alone. The mother-son, stuck-like-glue dynamic is most severe in three communities – the Italian, the Jewish and the Parsi. So, if you’re a Jewish-Parsi hybrid from Italy, only prayers will help. However, let’s look at a creative option by following the British philosophy of, ‘Divide-and-Rule’. The Mumma-Dikra package must be divided. Instead of letting them spend all the time with each other, you spend time with both separately, thus keeping them apart! Suddenly discover interests in Tyrone Power and Errol Flynn. Start watching movies with Mummy Dear. Show more interest in her, and slowly make her work for you! Meanwhile, sidelined Sorab, will beat his wit’s end with this new found friendship! He’ll be like bheja-nu-cutlets in your hands… to mould and shape to your likeness! When both want your attention, rather than each other’s, the battle is won. Remember Firdausi’s immortal words – “Don’t get angry, get over friendly!”

From Terrified Temuras:
Dear Cyrus,
I write to you hoping for a solution to a unique problem. I used to look like a dashing young man when I got married a year ago, but today, I look haggard and old. All was going great after marriage, I made all the adjustments for my Tehmi – I let her earn thrice my salary, I let her order tiffin instead of cooking (mainly because her self-proclaimed ‘textbook’ cooking left me wanting to eat a textbook instead of the food she tried cooking), and I even let her fire my maid Lajoo, coz she wore stylish blouses which my Tehmi thought were too provocative. But then, 5 months ago, she got home Bruno – more of a Terror than a Terrier, and yet it’s me who’s living a dog’s life ever since! I’ve been sleepless and terrified coz Bruno hates me with all his passion – it’s as if I dented his favourite motorbike! He reminds me of my father-in-law – constantly growling, snarling and barking – ever ready to bite a block of flesh out of me! He won’t let me near my own wife and she thinks that’s ‘cute’! I’ve been relegated to the hall coz she wants to cuddle with that 100-kg ‘pup’ at night and make him feel welcome and loved! She won’t put him on a leash so I’m perpetually sitting on the sofa in a palathi!! I’m living in fear of entering or leaving any room in my own house! When I told my wife my predicament and put my foot down saying it’s either Bruno or me, she said it made her very sad that she had to pick one of us and that she’d surely miss me!! What do I do?!?!?

 

Cyrus Advises:
Temuraspji, this is a tough one, soo karoo? Frankly, I’m also part of the tribe of dog-loving Parsis who always puts our dogs first. I would have been more comfortable and happier, if your ‘wife’ wrote to me instead, as it would have been much easier to give her the go-ahead to keep Bruno, and let you go. Anyhow, you seem sincere and in a lot of pain. Plus, whatever happens, we all know the point of this story is to see ‘Bruno’ happy. His happiness is paramount. (And to think Paramount was once both a picture company and an Irani restaurant). Here’s my ‘bae-tan pauli’ for you – Bruno may be a ruffian, but like all males, from spiders to sea lions, he has one weakness. And that weakness is Mrs. Bruno. Two can play this game. Why not get a female pooch into the mix? Once Bruno’s got a ‘bairi’, of his own, he wont have time for yours! He’ll have to deal with her demands, and like you, he’ll age much faster. The ‘fight’ will be knocked out of him. And once he finds that life is a err ‘bitch’, his level of empathy will go up. You two will end up becoming kindred spirits, and probably have the best relationship in the entire house!

 

 From Single Soli
Dear Cyrus,
I’m writing to you because I’m rather confused. See, I’m a strapping, young, 42-year-old bachelor, living with my parents and our popat Polly, and have been looking to get married since 4 years, but in vain. I’m even employed since the last 3 years in a call center, and recently my monthly pay moved up to five digits too! I’m slightly ‘healthy’ but I’m very health conscious about my Kinetic Honda and keep it in tip-top condition. Even though I wasn’t able to graduate, I have a large collection of Archie comics and enjoy hobbies like weekly bike-cleaning (now reduced to 4 hours at a stretch), watching cricket and eating cutlets-pau made by my mummy. In spite of all my lucrative qualities, Parsi girls seem to not like me for some reason. Mummy says if I marry out-of-caste, I will be cast out-of-house. I really want to get married. I’m confused why our Bawis are willing to get go of a catch like me! What do I do?

 

Cyrus Advises:
Single Soli, first things first, don’t give up on the Parsi girls. You are in a ‘Do or Die’ situation – you must do, or eventually we all die! I read your resume, and I must say, you have so much going for you. But, a word of advice, don’t show it to any of the prospective girls. I don’t know what the Gujarati word for re-invention is, and that’s primarily because I don’t know what the Gujarati word for invention is. I’ll give you the example of John Cawas, the famous actor. He would woo women in different avatars. Once as a fire-fighter, then as a pirate, then as an Olympian, he even did well as a plumber… a creative that was stolen by Hollywood in hundreds of erotic films that you and I have never watched, mother’s swear. My point is, try and re-invent yourself with the dikris. Let’s leave out the Kinetic Honda, and mummy’s cutlets, for now. Find other temporary interests, like learning French, or South American dance forms. Also, try talking more to her about herself. The French percussionist, who died when he suffocated after falling into his own drum once said, “Listening is better than talking”. Of course, he said all this in a thick French accent, so no one could fully authenticate his statement. A new you, would lead to you scoring heavily. And Single Soli will become much loved Messi!

PS: ‘Himself’ would like to confirm that all questions were authentic and real. None were fabricated. Himself knows this to be true, because his own mother had gone through the questions first, before giving Himself permission to answer them.      

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