The khanar-pinar, farnaar-harnaar, masti-majha-karnaar Mandli met for lunch at their usual South Mumbai club for lunch. Firdos-Fituri was absent since he had gone to Delhi to open a State Bank of India account after reading the account-opening form.
Nergis the nosey-parker: Why Delhi?
Mrs. Firdos Fituri: Obviously!! Because the form said. ‘Fill up in capital’. So, he went to Delhi!
Aspi Aspro: Wah! Wah! Soo intelligent couple chey! Rab ney bana di jodi! Made for each other!
Bomi Bevdo: I am returning the wine-box I had ordered!
Everyone: Why? Why?
Bomi: Because it was clearly written on the box: ‘It will last for six months after opening the bottle’. I opened all the bottles but finished in two days. So, I’m returning the empty bottles in the khokha and sending them a legal notice.
Meherwanji: What jara-jara-ma legal notice? Are you in BPP or what?
Bomi Bevdo: Then I’ll put pressure on them with nasty e-mails, phone-calls and accusations.
Beroze Bomshell: My handsome-hunk-hubby is on a calorie-restricted diet since the last one week. He has lost inches, along with his mind!
Jaari Jeroo: Diet? What diet? Oh, do tell us!!
Beroze Bombshell: Our family doctor told hubby, “You have put on too much weight. All your dinners should be LIGHT!” So, my darling stands under the kitchen tube-light with his mouth wide-open – no food – my janoo has only LIGHT!!
Najamai: Arrey Wah!! Second intelligent couple chey!!
Soon Soli Sales-Tax of Chikkalwadi walked in with Faridafui, as Faridafui’s husband, Hormusji was parking the car.
Everyone (in disgust): Who invited these ‘Pati-Patni Aur Who’?
Meherbai: I invited Hormusji and his Faridafui, and as expected, Soli Sales-Tax who never needs an invitation, came along!
Film-Buff Phiroze: Don’t call them ‘Pati-Patni Aur Who’. That’s the title of the old Hindi flick by BR Chopra. Call them after Amir Khan’s film – ‘3 Idiots’!
Faridafui: Bhoonu kaa chey? I’m getting fainting-spells. Bhonu lavo! Jaldi karo! Mahro jeev ghabraich!
The Mandli was already on chilled beers and starters comprising Eggs-kejriwal and bhajiayas. Fuiji ate-up all the Eggs Kejriwal. Then, she took the huge platter of bhajiyas and offered everyone at supersonic speed, saying, ‘Have, have, have, have. Not having?? Ok, I’ll have’! thus finishing the starters, while others mohnu jota rahi gaya!
Hoshiyar Homi: I have a riddle – Which came first – the egg or the chicken?
Soli Sales-Tax: Whichever dish you order first, will come first! If you order an egg, it will come first and if you order a chicken-dish, it will come first!
Faridafui: Mari jaoon mahra paanch foot na Soli parthi! Bilkul Einstein nu bheju chey! Even in school, Soli was a genius. When asked to write an essay on the school cricket match, he wrote: Due to rains, the cricket match was cancelled!
Meherwanji: No wonder Soli is Matric-fail! He got a waiter’s job due to his mother’s influence.
Henpecked Hormusji: I got a brand-new motorbike for my wife!
Banoo Batak: Wow! That’s an unbelievable exchange offer.
Clever Coomi Kaajwali: You are so smart Hormusji! Now you can go everywhere with Faridafui on your bike! Take her to Ranibaug Zoo tomorrow. It’s a Bank Holiday.
Dolly Ding-Dong: Sano Holiday?
Clever Coomi Kaajwali: Gandhi Jayanti.
Dolly Ding-Dong: Gandhiji was a great man but I have never heard of Jayanti madam. Only Kasturba.
Temasp-the-traveller: Friends, do I look like a foreigner?
Cavas Casanova: No. Why?
Temasp-the-traveller: Because in Europe last month, a fatakri girl asked me, ‘Are you a foreigner?’
Freny Fatakri: Marerey, tamey kolsa-jeva-kara, etley peli tamuney African samjhi hosey.
Temasp: I am not black like kolsa. I’m dark brown like dark chocolate and I am travelling to Durban in South Africa next week.
Kamal Cutie-pie: Actually, all men are like chocolate – half sweet and half nuts!!
Goolu Google: Don’t even think about it! You are neither kara or gora, and there are riots in Durban ever since their ex-President Jacob Zuma has been jailed last month on corruption charges. You are likely to get Biscot, Methi-Pak and Dhum-Malido from both sides.
Temasp: Kamal, please find a nice girl for me!! I’m an eligible 80-year-old ‘boy’. She should be beautiful like an Apsara.
Silloo Spinster: Yes Kamal, find a nice boy for me, I’m only 72! He should look Royal like a Badshah because I am as beautiful as Anarkali!
Kamal cutie-pie: In real life, men get an Apsara only in a pencil-box and women get a Badshah only in a masala -box.
Soon food was ordered – Chilly paneer, fish and chips, Akuri-on-toast, roast chicken, fried-rice and Manchersa (sorry, Manchurian) prawns!
Intelligent Alamai: Mandli, let me test your general-knowledge. What’s the difference between an orange and an apple?
Mandli: Give up, Give up!
Intelligent Alamai: It’s sooo easy! Colour of orange is orange but colour of apple is not apple because there is no colour called apple!!
Meherwanji: Alamai ne toh beer laagi gayoj – tethi evi wahiyat jevi vaat karej!
The desserts arrived: Varieties of ice-creams, caramel-custard, cheesecake, kulfi and special cake brought by the ever-generous Hormusji Hatim-Tai. Hot coffees were ordered to wash down the heavy lunch and Alamai exclaimed, “Drink-up your coffee before it gets cold because the price of cold-coffee is double that of hot-coffee!” Everyone knew by now that Alamai was tipsy with the beer.
When you are happy, in the company of happy people like Meherbai’s Mandli, time flies. And soon it was 4:00 pm when the club had to close due to Covid restrictions. The Mandli couldn’t do kissi-koti because of social distancing norms, so they all did ‘Namastey – Hum kuch nahin samajhtey’, and parted, with Soli Sales-Tax-plus-GST asking, “When is the next party?’
[Disclaimer: The above article is a work of pure fiction and bears no resemblance to any person, dead or alive.]