Vicaji Vaghmaru’s Sad Love Story!

This is the real love story (prem katha) of our Vaanki Doki na Vicaji, who was all of 60 years young, but still dreamt about getting married. He told his friends, “I want to settle down as I’m yet unsettled.” What’s more, since the last five years, he was head over heels in love with Abbhan Aban (of Meherbai’s Mandli). Like King Bruce and the spider, Vikaji’s motto was, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again’. Hence, for five years he had been proposing marriage to Aban who declined his proposals in various ways, like “Even if you are the last man on this planet, I would prefer to die a virgin”. Or, “You don’t know what ‘NO’ means?” Or, “First see your face in the mirror.” Or, “Don’t you understand the meaning of NO, NAHIN, NA and NAKO???”

Ah well, the path of true love never runs smoothly and on Vikaji’s path, there were only thorns – no roses!! His childhood friend, Cowasji Kasari couldn’t bear Vika’s unhappiness and asked him to try once more. Cowasji and Vikaji both grew up on a staple diet of Hindi films and Hindi film songs and Cowasji got a brilliant idea. He asked Vikaji, “Why don’t you woo Aban romantically, like those Bollywood film na heroes?”

This proved to be an ‘Aha!’ moment for Vikaji, who thought “Why not!” Everything is fair in love and war and since he’ll never go to a war, why not try love? So the next time, Meherbai’s Mandli met over tea and pakoras at their club, Vikaji put his best foot forward, sat next to Aban and started singing an ancient Raj Kapoor song, ‘Awara Hoon, Awara Hoon’, followed by ‘Mein Yamla, Pagla Diwana’.

Coomi Kajwali: Arrey Bawa, don’t advertise to the whole world that you are Awara and Diwana or else nobody will marry you. First marry and then let your wife know that you are half-mad!

Meherwanji: Romance in English, not Hindi.

Vikaji: (In Shakespearean language) Oh Aban, I love thee, will thou marry me?

Aban: I would rather give thee a kick on thy rear or how about I slap thee?

Vikaji: Thappad Se Dar Nahi Lagta, Pyar Se Lagta Hai!!

Again Vikaji: Mujhey Neend Na Aaye, Mujhey Chain Na Aaye, Na Jaane Kahaan Dil Kho Gaya. 

Dinshawji Dentist: If you have insomnia, take a sleeping pill and if your heart is lost, go to the lost and found

department of BEST since you always travel by bus!!

Vikaji: (singing) ‘Dil Pardesi Ho Gaya’

Banu Batak: You mean NRI?

Vikaji: No! No! All you unromantic people, my heart is broken because I am still unmarried while all my friends have already become Mamavajis and Bapavajis!!

Abbhan Aban: Then stick it back with Fevicol! 

Coomi Kajwali: Actually, Vikaji is a good match and an excellent catch. All the nice boys are already married and no girl likes the left-overs!

Vikaji: Yes. I agree. Aban can marry me and cook for my whole family.

Aban: You don’t need a wife – you need a cook.

Vikaji: You can also look after my sick mother.

Aban: You require a nurse, not a wife! Do I look like Florence Nightingale? Besides, gaam ma, mari pase bunglow che, gari che, paisa che, what do you have?

Vikaji: Mere paas Cusrow Baug ka flat hai!

All the ladies of the Mandli clapped!

Aban:  It’s just a one bed-room flat, not even overlooking the lawn, with 10 to 12 people living in it!!

Vikaji: So one more person will not make a difference! My dear Aban, I’ll die if you say NO this time.

Aban: Kaaley marta hov toh aajey mari jao!

Baji Bun-Pao: Never postpone till tomorrow what you can do today!

Romantic Rutty: Vikaji bawa, why don’t you take Aban to the central lawn of Cusrow Baug and dance in the rains? I’ll sing that sexy song, ‘Tip Tip Barsa Pani’ for you both. If it doesn’t rain, we can use a hose-pipe like they do in Hindi films.

Vikaji: Arrey Mai, Cusrow Baug ma paani no problem chey! I have a bath only once a week to save water and you want artificial rain? Keep your ideas to yourself Ratanbai. What do you know of our problems? You live next to Powai Lake, so whenever you want, you and your hubby Ratanshaw can go to the lake and fetch two buckets of water.  

Ratanshaw: What do you take me for Vikaji? Am I Jack and is Ratanbai Jill that we should go and fetch a pail of water?    

Meherbai: Vikaji why are you behaving like a Diwana Ashiq? Aban’s answer is NO since five years. She is not the only female on this planet, look elsewhere. If true love is meant for you, it will definitely find its way to you.

Coomi Kajwali: Yes. Plenty of fish in the water. I have some fantastic girls lined up for you like the three sisters who registered with me only last week! The first, jaraa behri (deaf) chey. Chalsey?

Vikaji:  Nahi ji. Hearing aid no kharcho thaai!

Coomi: The second one, jaraa langri (Lame) chey. Chalsey?  

Vicaji: No thank you.

Coomi: The third sister is extremely beautiful but jaraa Pregnant chey. Chalsey?

Vicaji: Thanks but no thanks. I don’t want to be a ‘readymade pappa’.

By then, tea and pakoras had arrived. All conversation stopped except for Keki’s wife who asked her husband, “Keks! Keks!! Have you brought your theli to take home the left-over pakoras?”

And that was the sad end of Vikaji’s love story!  

Ruby Lilaowala
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